Pain

     Hello all you little clumps of stardust!

    Today we are going to talk about pain.  Mostly we are going to talk about living in spite of it. To get there we are going to have to understand that the reason pain stops and debilitates us is the fear of it.  Fear is the only real thing that controls our lives, and it comes in so many forms that we have to break it down in smaller bits just to process it and get past it.  Seriously, everything in your life that holds you back is fear, disguised as one thing or another.  Racism, misogyny, drugs, alcohol, self loathing, abusive relationships, whatever.  All have their roots in fear.  But for now let’s just deal with the pain aspect.
     First off, there is physical pain, and you should avoid that if you can.  That’s your survival instinct and it’s put there by evolution to help you stay safe. That’s what fear and apprehension are for.  Oddly enough though, we don’t often let the threat of physical pain keep us from things we want to do.
     Then there’s emotional pain, and I think it’s the fear of that pain that keeps us from being who we truly want to be and stops us from doing the things that make us happy.  We live in a constant state of anxiety, worrying about what something or someone is going to do that might upset us.  Will they let us down, will they betray us, will I get my heart broken again?  Will they say the wrong thing, will they disagree with me or tell me that I’m lying to myself and I will have to hear a truth that I already know but don’t want to face?  We live in fear of the abstract most of the time, we live our lives running from the truths we already see but can’t admit to.  Some of us live in fear of ourselves, frightened to come to terms with who we really are.
    We are all convinced that this truth will hurt, that the reality will bring us pain, so we shy away from it every time, and live our lives running in place, only moving forward when we are jolted there by the pain of growing or moving on.  
    Let’s start with the big one. Love.
    You are going to find that almost all of the people in your life that tell you they love you are lying.  To you, and to themselves.  They can’t help it, and neither can you.  We all want love so badly, but we are so terrified of getting hurt that we seldom fully enjoy it when we’re in it.  We can’t help but pick it apart, constantly run our fingers over it searching for cracks and faults.  And there will always be cracks and faults.  Love is such an abstract and fluid thing that it will always fall apart if looked at too closely.  There are too many variables.
    It also doesn’t help that we all have a different idea of what love is. You can love your parents, your spouse, your best friend, your children, your pet, God, baseball, music, your favorite TV show, ice cream, and you love all those things differently.  The word love could mean a million different things, so just make your peace with the fact that it is going to trip you up time and time again.  You have lived through it each time it let you down and hurt you, what are you so scared of?  It’s sad that we all want to be in love, but so many of us spend our whole time in love frightened of losing it.  When you live expecting something bad to happen, it usually does, and it’s usually your fault because you’ve just created another self fulfilling prophecy.  
    I am 50, and it has taken me nearly all that time to finally realize what fear of pain has done to me and how it has ruined what could have been very beautiful and amazing moments in my life.  Hell, it has probably cost me the great love I have been searching for all my life.  That’s what you do to yourself when you live in fear of pain.
     It’s not just romantic love that fucks you up.  I hate to tell you, but the longer you go through life the more you will come to realize that many of the people you thought were on your side are not.  Not because they are evil, or bad people, just because they are people.  Think of all the friends you have had over your lifetime.  Nearly all of them turned out not to be the people you thought they were.  Sometimes that’s good, but most of the time it hurts and you add it to the Big Book Of Reasons That Everything Will Hurt You And Why You Should Avoid It.  There is a simple way to avoid all that.  Be aware that all people aren’t perfect.  We often go to the extremes where someone is completely wonderful until a crack in the facade you created appears and they are the most horrible person in the world.  That’s not reality.  We are all imperfect and we are all capable of some shitty behavior.  We can’t help it. We’re all running from our own fears, just like you.  
    You need to remember that until you really know someone you don’t know what they will do in most situations.  Only give people that which you can afford to lose, and only let them know your secrets and hand them keys to your heart when they earn that right.
     The important thing is to not let those bad experiences write all people off to you. Don’t let your fear or bad expectations turn you into a hermit.  I’ve lived that life, and the hard truth I arrived at is that it has limited me from so much joy in life.  Sure, it has saved me some pain, but at what cost?  And believe me, I still dealt with a lot of pain regardless of all the times I tried to avoid it.  
    You know what?  When I look back on the best moments of my life, none of them were spent alone.  Every one of them involved other people.  The bad moments?  Yes, a lot of them involved people too, but there were also a lot of them that involved me, sitting alone on my couch, terrified of what might be.  Better safe than sorry.
    That’s the thing: growth is pain.  Moving forward is usually painful. You can find pain, real or imagined in every single aspect of your life if you want to.  How many things in your life do you analyze until you take it far enough to arrive at an excuse not to do it in the first place?  That is fear holding you back.  You go through every step until you get to a perceived outcome where it will be annoying, pointless, or painful and you just don’t do it.   
     Congratulations, you have just fucked yourself out of a life experience that could have been fun, interesting, joyful, rewarding, fulfilling, a million adjectives better and much more worthwhile than the five or six you usually bring everything back to.  I have spent my life in that very place more times than I would like to admit.  I am not going to do that anymore.  
    I do not fear pain anymore.  Well, I do, but I am not going to let that fear stop me from now on.  You shouldn’t either.  You have all lived through the pain every other time, but instead of letting that make you stronger, you carry it with you and let it all weigh you down and it stops you.  Stops you from doing things, stops you from forming strong friendships, stops you from finding love.  
    Stops you from experiencing life.  It makes you self sabotage yourself again and again.  Stops you from sharing your gifts with the world, stops you from leading a rich and fulfilling life. You can call it a million different things, but it is all just fear of feeling something that you have already felt a million times.  Chances are you are causing yourself more damage and more pain than if you just went through with it and got hurt.  Instead of marveling at those around you that seem to be doing the things and living the life you wish you could, just go do it too.  Nothing is stopping you besides an abstract notion of pain that you have invented and put in your way.
    And if you do get hurt?  If you can’t just walk it off, I’m sure you have people in your life that you do trust and you do feel safe with.  Let them help you through it if you can’t deal with it on your own.  And if they all let you down, call me.  But call my cell phone, chances are I won’t be at home…