State of the union 5/15/2016

If you don't feel like reading all that, the synopsis is that even though I talk about the bad stuff in life, I'm fine and in a good place, so you don't have to worry about me, but it's nice that some of you do.

Just something I want to share with everyone here. Sometimes I write posts or share stuff about bad things; pain and heartbreak, misery and despair, the absurdity and futility of life. Some of them are just dark humor, and some of them are pointing out the bad so I can then point out the good that counterbalances it.
That's what the horoscopes are supposed to be, uplifting and encouraging. Sometimes I oversell the dark part because sometimes you have to go to extra lengths to reach people and show them the important things. Those horoscopes are inspired by things that I have dealt with and still are dealing with, and things people I know are going through.
I'm the type of person that wants to save the world, which is a saying I hate, because it's often said in derision by people that are telling you that you should abandon someone in need. When someone is really going through a crisis and can't be there for you, well meaning friends tell you to shake them off, because “you know, you can't save everyone.”
And I know you can't save everyone, but I'm going to try. At any rate, this means I know a lot of people that feel I'm the only one in the world they can talk to and the only one that cares. I'm proud of that. I won't stop being that person.
It also means that I'm bombarded with problems and see people in crisis mode a lot of the time. I'm not going to lie, it can be exhausting and I'm still trying to balance what I give to others and what I do for myself.
So many times my horoscope comes from things that come up in conversations with others, and I can relate and comprehend what they are going through. I have a shit-ton of empathy, maybe too much for my own good, but I would rather be that way than dead inside.
I have also come to realize that pain is a part of life, and I'm okay with that. So many people are so afraid of being hurt that they end up living their lives in crippling anxiety. Some of them are so afraid that they throw away the good things in life because they fear that they will end one day, so they unwittingly turn their lives into mediocrity and settle for less because they don't care if they lose it. People get to a point where they are living in a hell of their own making, and it took them a lifetime to get there, so you're not going to get them out in a day, or by getting mad and telling them to snap out of it, or from some inspirational words on Facebook. It's a long, slow process, so if you don't have it in you, don't even try. It's not something for the weak, trust me. It will drain you and cripple you and break your heart on a daily basis, and many times it won't work out in the end.
There is a lot of sadness in the world, and I don't shy away from it. I talk about it. I bring it out in the open and share it because I believe it is so important to show others that suffer in silence that they are not the only ones that deal with it. We are taught to hide our pain, and we are saddled with shame and guilt since childhood that takes over and clouds our judgement.
So yeah, I drag the bad stuff out into the light so it takes away its power. When you face something straight on, it makes it smaller and manageable. I knowingly walk into situations that I understand will in all probability get me emotional pain. I'm not afraid of that anymore. Once you realize that you've lived through it enough times, you stop living in terror. Maybe it's just age, and life bludgeons you with trials until you're tempered and able to handle it better, I don't know.
At any rate, I tend to ramble and the whole point of this is just to let people know that I'm okay. Friends get worried when they read some of it and think I'm depressed or having problems. I'm not. I have my good days and my bad days like anyone else, but I'm in a good place.
Strangely enough, hard times are when I'm at my most positive. I don't really bother people with my problems because I don't see them as just problems most of the time. Right now I'm going through some really horrendous stuff that in some ways terrifies the hell out of me, but I also see it as an opportunity for change and growth, so I'm excited about it. At some points you come up against something that changes the course of your life, and I'm there right now. I'm not afraid of it, I'm looking to grab it by the throat stare it down and come out better than I went in.
And I will. I know it. I'm not afraid.
So even though sometimes on paper life can look like shit, it's not. It's anything you want it to be, you just have to go make it what you want. I love that there are people who worry about me, but there's no need, and believe me, if I need you, I will tell you.
So I will continue to tell you about the bad things, but I will always try to temper it with the good. I will always try to point you towards a solution or give you encouragement, or simply let you know that you're not alone and you have someone to turn to.
I know I say I hate people a lot of the time, but I don't. In reality, my heart breaks for them, and if anything I love them too much. You need to read between the lines sometimes so that you can see what's really going on.
I think everyone has so much potential and so much to offer, and what I call hate is really frustration. Everyone is unique and similar at the same time, which is an amazing trick to pull off.
So let's all be amazing, and maybe i won't have to write about all that crappy stuff anymore. :)

Fear

So many people feel a general dissatisfaction with life. They feel that they are missing out, or getting screwed out of something, or they have a general malaise hanging over them because they don't feel fulfilled by what they're doing. 
They feel their expectations aren't being met, but if you ask these people what is specifically wrong with their life or what they would change, they couldn't tell you. If you ask them what they actually expect out of life, they stare blankly and can't give you a definite answer. They just know in their heart that something isn't right.
They will complain about vague aspects of their lives, and talk about what they should do, but they don't do any of those things either.
So many of us stay frozen, afraid of everything, and calling that fear by any other name than what it really is.
Fear traps us and inaction seems our only option, so it becomes our only option. We blame the world and punish ourselves and let nameless fear dictate our actions. We let it make us bad people, people that let down ourselves and those we love.
That might seem like a dire assessment, and I guess it is, but instead of letting it keep you down and reinforce the negative, let it free you instead. Just because something is a certain way, doesn't mean it needs to stay that way. If something is bad, you need to first look that bad thing in the eye and acknowledge it. You need these “negative” assessments from time to time so you can navigate away from them.
The only way to overcome your fear is to name it, and fear is everything bad in your life. Fear poisons every aspect of whatever you do and whatever you feel and whoever you are if you let it.
We live our lives stifled by fear and steeped in regret, so now that you know that, knock it the fuck off already. You can be negative, and the only effect that will have on your life will be negative. Or you can be positive, and even though it might not always work out the way you want it to, at least you will know you didn't defeat yourself.
We even live in fear of expecting the best because we think that it will somehow jinx us. That is fear creating the illusion of control, when in fact all it does is hold us back yet again.
If you think about it, your whole life is probably a huge success story that you are selling short. Stop seeing those successes as failures. Stop avoiding the work you need to do to stride forward by blaming shadows for holding you back.
Don't be afraid of things you have already conquered a million times over. Everything you have accomplished, you have accomplished by first overcoming fear. Don't let fear dictate your actions. Don't settle, don't avoid life or confrontation, don't hold yourself back or reign yourself in for no easily identifiable reason. Don't doubt what you're sure of.
Don't be afraid of things you have already conquered.