I know hundreds of stories that women have told me about the things they’ve dealt with from men that would break your heart and fill you with rage. Those are not my stories to tell, though, so I won’t.
The stories I can tell is the things men have said to me, or the things I’ve seen them do, and I will be sharing them this week. It might make you uncomfortable, or it might annoy you, and you will ignore those posts, but that’s your prerogative. It’s not going to help the problem go away, but it’s your choice as to what kind of man you want to be.
I have heard a lot of men bring up the fact that when a powerful man, be it a celebrity, or a politician, or an executive, is accused of sexual misconduct or rape, that the women waited so long to report it or come out about it. They seem to think that they can tell victims the appropriate way they should have responded.
I can’t count the number of times men have said “If these women got raped, why would they not tell anyone for all this time, then suddenly come out with it now?”
My reply is to always ask them about how long it took them to tell anyone about when they were raped.
Their reaction is to quickly point out that they have never been raped or abused by anyone, to which I reply
“Then why you do you think you have the right to question how someone might react that has been?”
I don’t think a lot these men realize how hard it is to publicly admit to being raped or harassed. I don’t think that they understand that to come out and tell their story is to go against the system, and very powerful people. I don’t think they get that there is trauma and shame and fear involved.
What they really don’t seem to grasp is that when you question the reaction of anyone that has been through something horrific, you are making it harder for any victims to come forward. You are invalidating what happened to them, and for what reason? Why is it your knee-jerk reaction to question the victim's motive, rather than examine the actions of the perpetrator? Why do you first assume that that the women must be lying or have some ulterior motive? Sure, it has happened on occasion, but history shows us the odds are overwhelmingly in favor of it being true. If nothing else, err on the side of safety until we know for sure, rather than rush to the aid of an accused predator.
I think a lot of it is nothing more than people’s natural inclination to want to believe that these horrible things exist in the world. You don’t change the world or right the ills of society by pretending they don’t exist. You do that by dragging them out into the light and facing them. That’s what I will be doing, every chance I get.
And it’s nothing to get defensive about if you’re a guy and you’ve done this. I am still learning what is right and wrong when it comes to most of these issues, because I am not a women and I will never know what it is like. But I can listen, like I’ve been listening for decades, and I can do better.
That’s not too much to ask of ourselves.
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