Things women are better at than men

Things women are better at than men:

Loving

Nurturing

Organizing

Empathizing

Multitasking

Child rearing

Living longer

Staying healthy

Tolerating pain

Managing money

Things men are better at than women:

Making it harder for women to do any of the things on that list

Peeing while standing

Some things I'm thinking about this morning 10/29/17

Some things I'm thinking about this morning:

I generally don't like flavors mixed together in drinks. I don't like kiwi strawberry or mango peach or whatever. I drink those flavored water powders, and one day they were out of the fruit punch flavor, so I reluctantly tried cherry pomegranate. Turns out, that's now my favorite flavor. Makes sense, I like cherries and I like pomegranates. Of course, I like strawberries and I like kiwi, but not together. Here's the kicker though: thinking about this, I realized that my favorite is fruit punch, which is a bunch of fruits mixed together! It's all very confusing.

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me because when I'm telling someone about a friend, they always ask me things about them that I don't really know. They'll ask “what does he do for a living?” or “where did he go to school?” or “how old are their kids?” Now I know some of that information for my closest friends, but not for most of the people I know. I feel bad, because I'm obviously not asking the right questions. I'm a good conversationalist, and people generally like talking to me, but I must be a horrible person because I don't know these basic things that everyone else seems interested in.

Today I realized that my conversation style is to just let people tell me about the things they want to talk about. If they feel it's important to tell me about their job or their schooling or their kids, that's fine, but they don't. They tell me all kinds of personal things that I'm not at liberty to discuss with other people, and they talk about a lot of interesting things that they feel they can't talk to other people about. I'm interested in everything, so I usually share their enthusiasm, so they forget about their jobs or their responsibilities for awhile and get all excited and animated talking about some movie or song or article about mollusks that they read.

So I've decided that I'm not going to worry anymore if I'm some kind of sociopath, and just continue talking to people about stuff they want to talk about and not badger them with questions about their shitty job or ungrateful kids. I think what I provide them with is better than that.

I live in an apartment, and if I'm expecting someone, I'll go unlock the door and stand their with it open while they come into the building. Sometimes people think of apartment hallways like their car. They think that they're isolated, so they will talk to themselves, or burp or fart, or maybe pick their nose. I don't know about the last one, I can only hear them. Sometimes they will sing, and it's not just in apartment hallways. I come upon people singing to themselves in all kinds of random situations.

The musician part of me should probably be grimacing about how off key they are, but who am I to talk? They are always embarrassed when they are caught, but they shouldn't be. I'm just happy that they're singing, because it's hard to be miserable and sing, even if you're singing about miserable things. And let's face it, most of the greatest songs are about horrible things.

So all of you, sing whenever you want, and don't be ashamed. Well, maybe don't bust out a Taylor Dayne song at a funeral or something, but you know what I mean.

Two Groups

There's two groups of people when it comes to politics:

The more uninformed and the dumber you are, the easier you are to manipulate.

The more informed and the smarter you are, the easier you are to disenfranchise.

The more insecure you are, the easier it is to convince yourself you belong in the other group.

Me Too Part Nine

So here it is another Monday, and the weekly cycle begins again.  I know how things work these days, and a new week brings new shock and outrage and new stories to command our attention.  That’s why I took the opportunity last week to post about sexual harassment and abuse every chance I got. This week it is pushed to the back of the line, and we all succumb to our short attention spans.  Soon, we will forget about Harvey Weinstein, and all the buzz it created and the other people it exposed.  We elected a sexual predator president, why would anyone think that what some producer in Hollywood did would occupy our thoughts for that long?

But we shouldn’t let it go.  We shouldn’t stop talking about it.  We shouldn’t let a whole movement lose momentum just because we had a couple of days off and there are no big sensational headlines to draw our attention back to it. That’s what will happen, though.

We can’t control the news media or the national dialog.  We don’t have a pulpit, or hold office.  We can only do what we can.  We can continue to use social media to keep the discussion going.  We can petition, and get our elected officials involved, and try to strengthen the laws and punishments for abuse and harassment and violence.  Everyone is spread so thin these days, with so many pressing needs, so I’m not sure how much time and energy is left over to devote to this.  There are people fighting for justice everyday though, so we can help out when we can.

Ultimately, the thing all of us can do is try to keep our eyes open.  Not just for bad behavior of others.  We need to examine ourselves and see if we are helping or hurting the situation. There have been plenty of times in my life where I have responded or acted in a way that didn’t help anything.  We have to learn, and to learn we need to be open to learning in the first place.  We can all do better, all of us.  

We also need to keep our eyes open when it comes to being there for women in these situations.   Often they cannot be open about what they are dealing with, either because someone is stopping or threatening them, or because they don’t feel comfortable.  It is all of our jobs to make the people we care about feel safe and comfortable around us.  We need to be supportive, and not just dismiss what they say about their lives and situations. We need to be receptive to any signs that there might be a problem.

We need to speak out when we encounter something wrong.  We need to stop accepting unacceptable behavior and making excuses for it.  We need to teach our children about respect and understanding and empathy.

All of these things are things we can do, without help from celebrities or politicians or activists or foundations, or even people like me that just annoy you on your Facebook page about it.  We can do it ourselves because it is the right thing to do.  For women. For men. For our children.  

For the entire human race.

Me Too part eight

Some of you may be sick of my posts all week about how women are treated by men, but I really don’t care.  Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows that the subject infuriates and upsets me, and I won’t back down from talking about it.  I do feel bad though, about the fact that some women who have lived through some of this horrible stuff are affected just by reading about it.  Even women that have gotten past it and moved on with their lives can still be triggered when they read some of the things I write about, and even by my anger and vitriol that comes along with it.  I apologize to them, and by all means ignore it if you don’t want to be reminded or upset by it. I will continue to speak out about it though, because I just can’t accept it.

So all week I have been talking about the damage it does, and the lives it ruins, but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the women that I know that have not let it destroy them, and the women that are still working through it, or the women still in the midst of the violence and abuse.

These people are my heroes.

I know women that have been through things that would cripple most people.  Still, they somehow manage to get out of bed each morning and get on with their lives.  They may suffer from PTSD, they might live in fear and extreme anxiety, they might see attackers everywhere.  They have to remind themselves every day and every minute that all men are not like the ones that victimized and brutalized them.

They live everyday with the memories of what happened and constant reminders of the trauma and pain.  Many of them even see their abusers on a regular basis, because most of this stuff goes unreported and/or unpunished.  Some of them have children with the men that committed these acts against them, and are forced to interact with them. There are even cases where rapes resulted in pregnancy, and the rapist is awarded custody and visitation rights.

These women are strong.  They are to be admired.  They are capable of dealing with all this horrible stuff and still managing to function, and even thrive.  They reclaim what is theirs, and they come out stronger and more powerful than before.  They are survivors, and they are warriors, and like I said earlier, they are heroes.

Even the women that are still so damaged that they might break your heart, or end up addicted, or self-sabotage themselves in a myriad of other ways.  The fact that they are still facing the world everyday means that they haven’t given up completely.  Some of them face derision and insults because of how they are coping(or not coping) with what they have been through, as if it wasn’t hard enough.  Some of their actions you find so offensive are a byproduct of what they have had to endure, and their self worth has suffered, so go a little easy on them.  

And if any woman that was a victim of any abuse is reading this, don’t give up.  Don’t let it define you. It is not always apparent, but there are good people and organizations that can help you.  There are decent people in the world that care and know how to treat others with respect.

Unfortunately, there are also a lot of women in similar situations, but that means that you are not alone. You are not to blame and you are not being singled out by the universe, so many other women can relate to what you are going through. Whether you need to get away from a person or situation, whether you are ready to press charges, whether you are just ready to talk about it and start to reclaim your life, there are people ready to help.

And if you ever think that you can never go on, that you can’t live with your current situation or live with the memories of what you went through, I want to remind you that you are tougher than you think.  You are still here, and you are still reading this.

You are still my hero.

http://www.thehotline.org/

https://centers.rainn.org/

https://www.nsopw.gov/en-US/Education/HelpSupport

http://www.pa-fsa.org/Home/   

Me Too part seven

There are many people who try to downplay and invalidate women's experiences with sexual harassment. They claim it's just how the world works, and part of the game. They say it's not a big deal, and go so far as to say that women should take it as a compliment. They say women are overreacting to catcalls, and unwanted attention just walking down the street.

Situations like this aren't just about the sexual component. It's about control and security. It means that your job, the means of supporting yourself and your family, is dependent on letting men in more powerful positions demean you and objectify you. It takes away any feeling of control, and leaves you at the mercy of the whims of people that have no respect for you. It is scary, and it basically forces you into the role of supplicant.

As a woman in that situation, you could speak up and report it, or demand respect, but that is a very risky and scary strategy. Many times you are called a liar, or told you are overreacting, or fired because you are seen as a liability. The vast majority of jobs don't pay enough to cover the immense legal bills to fight harassment or an unlawful firing from your job.

People tend to have this fantasy scenario where companies have proactive human resources departments where this behavior isn't tolerated. You just report it and your boss is reprimanded and fired, and there is some kind of safe and level playing field. That is very far from reality in the vast majority of cases, don't fool yourself.

Most people don't even work for some huge corporation with departmental oversight, or in high profile jobs. They work at a small, family owned business as a receptionist or bookkeeper. They work at a restaurant or big box store, or a bank or small office. Maybe they are a sales rep, where they have to put up with harassment from their bosses and their clients.

Everyday they spend eight plus hours in a situation where they have little control over their lives. They are stuck in a situation where their livelihood is in jeopardy if they don't tolerate being treated as less than human. What do you think that does to someone's psyche? How do you think that's acceptable, and something someone should tolerate, let alone take as a compliment? I imagine it would make you feel like a prey animal on the savanna, surrounded by predators.

Which is the same way catcalls and wolf-whistles on the street would make you feel. It is demeaning and disarming to have men treating you like a thing to ogle and leer at. It calls unwanted attention, shining a spotlight on you as you are debased and objectified.

It steals your security and makes you feel unsafe and uncomfortable while you are simply going about your day. It is telling you that you are only valued based on your looks and sex appeal. It completely changes your environment, causing anxiety and fear.

How does a woman know if your unwanted attention and harassment is going to escalate to violence or sexual abuse? If she tries to pass it off or diffuse it with a laugh or a forced smile, that might invite even more interaction. If she ignores you, or rebuffs you, that could result in aggression and conflict.

So you are putting her in a position of stress and uncertainty, destroying her security and any feeling of control, and undermining her self worth as you treat her like a plaything. You are dehumanizing her.

Does that sound like innocent fun? Does that sound like a compliment?

Does that sound like respect?

Yet this is what men do to women everyday, and then complain when women are offended, or feel harassed or unsafe.

The sad truth is, your abhorrent behavior isn't even strength, it is weakness. You are so pathetic that you can't even approach a women on a level playing field, you need to try to berate or intimidate her, make inappropriate comments, or jeer like an adolescent boy. You are immature and insecure, and desperately trying to control the thing you desire with no thought to how it might make her feel.

You are a sociopath.

It's not that women can't take a joke. It's not that women can't take a “compliment”. It's not that they are uptight, or no fun, or making a big deal out of nothing.

The problem isn't women, the problem is you. 

Me Too part six

Just talking about the horrible things men do to women isn’t even the whole story.  Not even close.  

Most of the women that are harassed or abused never get justice or closure.  The act itself is bad enough.  Then women are left to try to make sense of it.  some don’t even have the tools to deal with the abuse because the abuse was perpetrated on them by someone that was supposed to be protecting them.  Their father, or step father, brother, uncle or cousin.  Many families don’t even want to deal with it, so they ignore it or they blame the girl.  Many women who are sexually or physically abused when they are young are caught in the middle of a cycle  that they will unwittingly participate in themselves.
Most people’s insurance(if they even have insurance) doesn’t cover much in the way of mental health care, so many of these girls grow up and try to function in relationships when they don’t even know what a healthy relationship looks like. They have no way to get help, they have no one to talk to, they just live with this festering mental anguish with no one to help them cope or express their feelings.  They relive it over and over, and it affects every aspect of their lives.

If the abuse happens at work, many times nothing is done.  If they even feel comfortable enough to report it, many times nothing really happens to the perpetrator. Many times the women is said to be at blame.  I have heard many stories where the woman reported it and was fired.  My own father has seen this firsthand at jobs he’s worked at.  

The same thing happens when they report these crimes to the police.  Many times women are afraid or embarrassed to report it.  Most rapes go unreported for this reason. I can’t even count the number or women I have known that have been the victim of rape or physical violence.  The number is upwards of 50 at least.  Of all of them, perhaps 10 of those instances were ever reported, and of those, maybe two were actually adjudicated.  Women hit roadblocks every step of the way.  Their character is impuned by the men that committed the crimes, they are forced to publicly recount their experiences and are dissected and scrutinized every step of the way.

It makes me livid when I hear people question why it takes so much time for women to come forward with their accusations.  It isn’t easy at all, and I doubt many of the people chastising women for their reactions to being raped or beaten would have the fortitude and courage to come forth themselves. They are simply contributing to the problems women face in reporting these incidents.

The abuse and harassment are horrible enough, but then there is the lifetime spent trying to reconcile it and understand how someone could do that to them.  So many questions and doubts and fears left unanswered and unexplained.  When a man does anything like this to a women, he takes something from her that she may never get back.  He sentences her to years of torment and misery.  It can rob her future of happiness and security and trust, it can keep her from ever loving herself or someone else.  It can affect their children, destroy their relationships and families.  

For many the actual incident is just the beginning of a lifetime of uncertainty and pain.

That is the reality of what you are doing.  That is why it is time to put an end to it.  

That is why women are saying “me too”.

Are you listening?

Me Too part five

I have had women I know personally tell me about being raped; by strangers, by family members, by step parents.  I have heard them tell me about abuse that went on for years.  I have had them tell me about being drugged, and gang rapes when they were teenagers. I have had them tell me about husbands, boyfriends, exes, and friends raping them violently, hitting them, kicking them, stalking them, damaging their car or house, and putting them in the hospital.  I have been in the same room and seen their boyfriends, from out of nowhere, punch them squarely in the face repeatedly, at least until I could get between them.

I have seen men grope, grab, pinch, and engage in any other manner of inappropriate touching, in plain sight of other men.  I have seen them tell women to lift their shirts, or pull their shirts up themselves, or try to grab their hands and put them in their crotch.  I have seen men talk to them in the most demeaning and debasing terms, and humiliate them in front of others.  

I have watched as men systematically wore women down, destroyed their self esteem, and saddled them with guilt and shame that sticks with them for decades.

I have seen and heard about the most sadistic psychopaths.  I have seen and heard about the “innocent fun”  men that people say “boys will be boys” about , and I am here to tell you that they are both a scourge.  

Any harassment, any abuse, verbal, emotional, or physical, anything that in any way makes a woman feel uncomfortable or threatened, violates them, or bad about themselves, is wrong.  They are not property.  There is no difference between how you treat a “good” girl and how you treat a “bad” girl.  Your idea of promiscuity, loose morals, style of dress, how much they drink, or whether they are “asking for it” is bullshit.  

Whether a women is at church or onstage at a strip club, that doesn’t make one bit of difference about how you treat them with respect.  

And yes, there are a lot of women out there that do not treat themselves with respect, and that is a very sad and terrible thing.  But any decent kind of person would feel bad about that, and want to protect or comfort someone who feels that way about themselves, not take advantage of it.

Me Too part four

Sometimes when I tell people about all the horror stories the women I know have told me, they say things like “Wow, you sure know how to attract them”, or “Do you have a sign outside your door or something?”

They seem to think that I somehow find the only women in the world that have been damaged or hurt by the horrible things men have done to them.  Now really, what are the odds of that being the case?

Maybe a lot of guys just aren’t paying attention, or providing a safe atmosphere for women to tell them their stories.

Maybe they should start.

Me Too part three

Last month a guy I know was talking about women, and explaining how messed up he thought they were.  

He said to me “what is it with women, that after you fuck them, they start crying and telling you about how one time they got raped or something?  What the fuck?  Why tell you that shit then?”

I replied “Probably because if they felt safe enough to be intimate and have sex with you, they felt safe enough to tell you something traumatic and horrifying that happened to them.”

And he just laughed, and said that women are all the same, because some people are never going to get it.

BTW, I wasn’t shocked or taken aback, and had an answer ready, because this was not the first time I had heard some man say something like this, not by a long shot.  Being a guy, it is just assumed that I am in their horrible club.  

And yeah, this isn’t the way all men talk all the time.  But a lot of them do, and a lot of the guys standing around listening just agree or not say anything.  I don’t always say anything myself, it depends on the situation, or if I’m in the mood for a confrontation.  I might just want to get out of there, and the people talking are nobody I really know, or care to know.

But a lot of the time I do speak up, because that’s what you should do, if you can.  It’s the right thing to do.  I haven’t gotten beat up yet, or ostracized, or tarred and feathered.  You can say what’s right without being a jerk, and you can be clever with how you word stuff so you don’t end putting people on the offensive or wind up starting a war.  You can win the crowd over without someone even realizing that they are in a competition until it is too late.

You don’t have to be on a crusade 24/7, but you owe it to the women in your life to speak up for them if they aren’t there to do it themselves.  You owe it the guys you know to try to offer a different perspective that they may not have been lucky enough to have been shown to them by their parents or friends.  You owe it to humanity.  

Me too part two

I know hundreds of stories that women have told me about the things they’ve dealt with from men that would break your heart and fill you with rage. Those are not my stories to tell, though, so I won’t.

The stories I can tell is the things men have said to me, or the things I’ve seen them do, and I will be sharing them this week.  It might make you uncomfortable, or it might annoy you, and you will ignore those posts, but that’s your prerogative.  It’s not going to help the problem go away, but it’s your choice as to what kind of man you want to be.

I have heard a lot of men bring up the fact that when a powerful man, be it a celebrity, or a politician, or an executive, is accused of sexual misconduct or rape, that the women waited so long to report it or come out about it. They seem to think that they can tell victims the appropriate way they should have responded.

I can’t count the number of times men have said “If these women got raped, why would they not tell anyone for all this time, then suddenly come out with it now?”

My reply is to always ask them about how long it took them to tell anyone about when they were raped.

Their reaction is to quickly point out that they have never been raped or abused by anyone, to which I reply

“Then why you do you think you have the right to question how someone might react that has been?”

I don’t think a lot these men realize how hard it is to publicly admit to being raped or harassed.  I don’t think that they understand that to come out and tell their story is to go against the system, and very powerful people.  I don’t think they get that there is trauma and shame and fear involved.

What they really don’t seem to grasp is that when you question the reaction of anyone that has been through something horrific, you are making it harder for any victims to come forward.  You are invalidating what happened to them, and for what reason?  Why is it your knee-jerk reaction to question the victim's motive, rather than examine the actions of the perpetrator? Why do you first assume that that the women must be lying or have some ulterior motive?  Sure, it has happened on occasion, but history shows us the odds are overwhelmingly in favor of it being true.  If nothing else, err on the side of safety until we know for sure, rather than rush to the aid of an accused predator.

I think a lot of it is nothing more than people’s natural inclination to want to believe that these horrible things exist in the world. You don’t change the world or right the ills of society by pretending they don’t exist.  You do that by dragging them out into the light and facing them.  That’s what I will be doing, every chance I get.

And it’s nothing to get defensive about if you’re a guy and you’ve done this.  I am still learning what is right and wrong when it comes to most of these issues, because I am not a women and I will never know what it is like.  But I can listen, like I’ve been listening for decades, and I can do better.  

That’s not too much to ask of ourselves.  

Me Too part one

I don't know about anyone else on Facebook, but I see a lot of women posting with the #metoo hashtag and I applaud them. It is brave and vital. I see women commenting on those posts and adding their "#metoo" comments and some even sharing their experiences. I see a few men commenting on the posts, but not many. Most of the men I see commenting are being supportive, which is good, but it's still not a lot of men joining the conversation.
Maybe they feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about it, or overwhelmed and shocked by it, or maybe they feel ashamed, I don't know. Whatever the reason though, it means that the vast majority of men are doing what they've been doing forever, which is nothing. It's not enough to just be "one of the good guys" and remain silent and wait for everyone to stop talking about it again so you can feel comfortable with it swept back under the rug.
Women are bravely sharing traumatic, demeaning, and in some instances life-altering experiences, and you meekly scroll by and can't join in the conversation, to at least offer support? How is this going to end if you don't even acknowledge that it exists? You have friends, wives, girlfriends, sisters; you have mothers for crying out loud. Odds are, the majority of them have been victims of discrimination or harassment or abuse at the hands of men.
You are doing a disservice to the women in your life, and to society in general by remaining silent and letting it continue.
One other thing. I've listened to all your crying over the years about "crazy" and "psycho" ex wives and girlfriends that broke your hearts and wrecked your lives with their erratic and irrational behavior, their jealousy and mistrust, and a hundred other actions you couldn't understand. What do you think was a big contributing factor to how they got that way? Why do you think they have trust issues? Why do you think they jump at sudden movements and get a look of terror in their eyes when voices are raised? Why do you think so many women automatically say “I'm sorry” for so many things that don't require an apology?

Take notice of how some women subconsciously (or very consciously) get apprehensive when you stand blocking a doorway, or try to hold their arm if you are in a heated discussion with them. You can sometimes feel them tense up if you simply put your arms around them to hug them when they aren't expecting it.

Women have been treated badly in all aspects of society, and traumatized in relationships and by family members, and it's just going to keep on going like that if you ignore what they're saying.

So whine all you want about how women are all bitches and demons, but realize that a lot of them got that way because men have mistreated them. You're going to continue to wonder why your love life sucks, but if you're ignoring women's fight to be treated fairly, and not supporting them, you're part of the reason why no one seems to love you.

What we're doing

It seems a lot of our life is spent admonishing ourselves for doing the wrong thing, or procrastinating, or engaging in destructive behavior when we should be doing what we really want to do.

So figure out what you want to do, and go do it, rather than spend another moment doing something that makes you feel bad about yourself.

Like always, the solution is so simple, but so incredibly hard for some reason. 

Heroes

It used to be in times of crisis that heroes arose, or leaders took to a podium and inspired us and instilled us with hope and reminded us that we didn't have to give in to fear and darkness. Not now. Is it that no heroes exist anymore, or are we unwilling or incapable of hearing their message? Is it their fault, or ours?
Don't give up hope and don't shut out those that try to help you. Heroes can take many forms. Take the time to listen, because like always, heroes exist, I know it. That does not change. You just have to recognize them when they come along.

Believe It!

I see some people from time to time lamenting the state of the world right now. They wring their hands and make dire predictions and get rather dramatic. Now there's a lot of crap to deal with, it's not like those fears are completely unfounded. We have to be ever vigilant, and it's not an easy fight.

Everyday though, I see people I know post obituaries from friends where parents have lost their children to drug addiction. I see people I know that have lost their parents or siblings, people who were their best friends, and are still trying to come to terms with a life without them. I see people I know struggling with mental illness and depression, and anxiety and stress, and sometimes every day is a hurdle for them. I see people I know battling cancer, either in themselves or with a family member, or taking care of their parents suffering from alzheimer's or dementia. I see people I know battling addiction. I see people I know fostering children and fighting animal abuse. I see people I know dealing with domestic violence. I see people I know that have to rebuild their lives after a hurricane, and I see people I know now losing everything in the wildfires in California.

My heart breaks for all of them, but more importantly, I'm awed and inspired by their will to go on. They are brave and they are fierce. Somehow, through all that, they manage to pull it together, and they still find a way to smile or help others or just stand tall and be a decent human being in the face of tragedy and chaos.

And that's why I will never stop believing in humanity. That's why I'm not afraid of any politicians or neo Nazis or evil agendas. Anything or anyone that wants to cause harm or destroy this nation's ideals are going to have to go through the people I know, and the people I know are warriors.

I believe in my friends, and I believe in humanity. You should too.

Pain

     Hello all you little clumps of stardust!

    Today we are going to talk about pain.  Mostly we are going to talk about living in spite of it. To get there we are going to have to understand that the reason pain stops and debilitates us is the fear of it.  Fear is the only real thing that controls our lives, and it comes in so many forms that we have to break it down in smaller bits just to process it and get past it.  Seriously, everything in your life that holds you back is fear, disguised as one thing or another.  Racism, misogyny, drugs, alcohol, self loathing, abusive relationships, whatever.  All have their roots in fear.  But for now let’s just deal with the pain aspect.
     First off, there is physical pain, and you should avoid that if you can.  That’s your survival instinct and it’s put there by evolution to help you stay safe. That’s what fear and apprehension are for.  Oddly enough though, we don’t often let the threat of physical pain keep us from things we want to do.
     Then there’s emotional pain, and I think it’s the fear of that pain that keeps us from being who we truly want to be and stops us from doing the things that make us happy.  We live in a constant state of anxiety, worrying about what something or someone is going to do that might upset us.  Will they let us down, will they betray us, will I get my heart broken again?  Will they say the wrong thing, will they disagree with me or tell me that I’m lying to myself and I will have to hear a truth that I already know but don’t want to face?  We live in fear of the abstract most of the time, we live our lives running from the truths we already see but can’t admit to.  Some of us live in fear of ourselves, frightened to come to terms with who we really are.
    We are all convinced that this truth will hurt, that the reality will bring us pain, so we shy away from it every time, and live our lives running in place, only moving forward when we are jolted there by the pain of growing or moving on.  
    Let’s start with the big one. Love.
    You are going to find that almost all of the people in your life that tell you they love you are lying.  To you, and to themselves.  They can’t help it, and neither can you.  We all want love so badly, but we are so terrified of getting hurt that we seldom fully enjoy it when we’re in it.  We can’t help but pick it apart, constantly run our fingers over it searching for cracks and faults.  And there will always be cracks and faults.  Love is such an abstract and fluid thing that it will always fall apart if looked at too closely.  There are too many variables.
    It also doesn’t help that we all have a different idea of what love is. You can love your parents, your spouse, your best friend, your children, your pet, God, baseball, music, your favorite TV show, ice cream, and you love all those things differently.  The word love could mean a million different things, so just make your peace with the fact that it is going to trip you up time and time again.  You have lived through it each time it let you down and hurt you, what are you so scared of?  It’s sad that we all want to be in love, but so many of us spend our whole time in love frightened of losing it.  When you live expecting something bad to happen, it usually does, and it’s usually your fault because you’ve just created another self fulfilling prophecy.  
    I am 50, and it has taken me nearly all that time to finally realize what fear of pain has done to me and how it has ruined what could have been very beautiful and amazing moments in my life.  Hell, it has probably cost me the great love I have been searching for all my life.  That’s what you do to yourself when you live in fear of pain.
     It’s not just romantic love that fucks you up.  I hate to tell you, but the longer you go through life the more you will come to realize that many of the people you thought were on your side are not.  Not because they are evil, or bad people, just because they are people.  Think of all the friends you have had over your lifetime.  Nearly all of them turned out not to be the people you thought they were.  Sometimes that’s good, but most of the time it hurts and you add it to the Big Book Of Reasons That Everything Will Hurt You And Why You Should Avoid It.  There is a simple way to avoid all that.  Be aware that all people aren’t perfect.  We often go to the extremes where someone is completely wonderful until a crack in the facade you created appears and they are the most horrible person in the world.  That’s not reality.  We are all imperfect and we are all capable of some shitty behavior.  We can’t help it. We’re all running from our own fears, just like you.  
    You need to remember that until you really know someone you don’t know what they will do in most situations.  Only give people that which you can afford to lose, and only let them know your secrets and hand them keys to your heart when they earn that right.
     The important thing is to not let those bad experiences write all people off to you. Don’t let your fear or bad expectations turn you into a hermit.  I’ve lived that life, and the hard truth I arrived at is that it has limited me from so much joy in life.  Sure, it has saved me some pain, but at what cost?  And believe me, I still dealt with a lot of pain regardless of all the times I tried to avoid it.  
    You know what?  When I look back on the best moments of my life, none of them were spent alone.  Every one of them involved other people.  The bad moments?  Yes, a lot of them involved people too, but there were also a lot of them that involved me, sitting alone on my couch, terrified of what might be.  Better safe than sorry.
    That’s the thing: growth is pain.  Moving forward is usually painful. You can find pain, real or imagined in every single aspect of your life if you want to.  How many things in your life do you analyze until you take it far enough to arrive at an excuse not to do it in the first place?  That is fear holding you back.  You go through every step until you get to a perceived outcome where it will be annoying, pointless, or painful and you just don’t do it.   
     Congratulations, you have just fucked yourself out of a life experience that could have been fun, interesting, joyful, rewarding, fulfilling, a million adjectives better and much more worthwhile than the five or six you usually bring everything back to.  I have spent my life in that very place more times than I would like to admit.  I am not going to do that anymore.  
    I do not fear pain anymore.  Well, I do, but I am not going to let that fear stop me from now on.  You shouldn’t either.  You have all lived through the pain every other time, but instead of letting that make you stronger, you carry it with you and let it all weigh you down and it stops you.  Stops you from doing things, stops you from forming strong friendships, stops you from finding love.  
    Stops you from experiencing life.  It makes you self sabotage yourself again and again.  Stops you from sharing your gifts with the world, stops you from leading a rich and fulfilling life. You can call it a million different things, but it is all just fear of feeling something that you have already felt a million times.  Chances are you are causing yourself more damage and more pain than if you just went through with it and got hurt.  Instead of marveling at those around you that seem to be doing the things and living the life you wish you could, just go do it too.  Nothing is stopping you besides an abstract notion of pain that you have invented and put in your way.
    And if you do get hurt?  If you can’t just walk it off, I’m sure you have people in your life that you do trust and you do feel safe with.  Let them help you through it if you can’t deal with it on your own.  And if they all let you down, call me.  But call my cell phone, chances are I won’t be at home…

The Bigger Weinstein Problem

The sad thing about this whole Harvey Weinstein mess is that people are all concentrating on Harvey Weinstein. Talk to some women you know. This shit goes on all the time in all walks of life.

Men everywhere are pulling this shit, not only in Hollywood, but on Wall Street, in Washington, at the fucking diner or convenience store down the street. I have been hearing stories like this from women I know for decades.

This shit is epidemic, and is seen as normal by a large part of the population, and the fact that we're all acting shocked about one case of it shows that we have a very long way to go with this problem.

Men still run the world, and half of them are committing these acts, and the other half doesn't want to know it exists and ignore it. Some men are terrorizing and abusing women, and the rest are enabling it because they don't want to know about it.

That leaves very precious few men left to protect women and speak up for them. Hell, it leaves scant few men to even support women when they speak up and try to help themselves.

So a bunch of ineffectual, scared to face the truth men do what people have done forever. They wring their hands, and they heap scorn on Harvey Weinstein because now he's an easy target, and they lie to themselves and pretend it's an isolated incident and they are sticking up for women. Once the news cycle ends on this story, they pretend the problem is solved and they go back to hiding from the truth.

Meanwhile, their wives and girlfriends, their daughters, their mothers, all the women in their lives, continue to go out and face this shit all the time. These women don't even bring it up most of the time, they just deal with it because they see that the men in their lives don't even want to know it happens.

So yeah call out Harvey Weinstein and expose that piece of shit, but if it doesn't trigger a reaction beyond that, what's the point? Talk to the women in your life, find out if everything is okay in their world, and if it's not, join them in putting a stop to it. Support them if they speak out. Help them if they have a situation like this with their boss, or their coworkers, or any predator in their life. If you're not one of those predators, help make the world safe from them for the women you love.

Change this type of behavior in all facets of society. Stop pretending it doesn't exist. Stop acting like it's not a widespread problem, that it's just isolated to a couple of creepy Hollywood executives or politicians.

If you don't, you're not much of a man after all.

Blame It On The Rain Or Whatever Weather Event You Like

Hey there everyone.  Just popping in to tell you I love you all and post a little helpful bit of information.
If you do everything in your life expecting great results, you are bound to be disappointed.  That disappointment will manifest itself in you if you're not careful, and you will start thinking that you're to blame because somehow you didn't do enough.  It can make you think that you you are a failure, that nothing you do makes a difference, or that you don't matter. That's bullshit.  
There are a million times everyday when people rise above and beyond what could possibly be expected of them, only to have it fall on deaf ears or go unnoticed by someone that is not in a good place and can't see it.  It does not diminish who you are at all.  
Often times people are damaged, and it takes a long time and lot of effort to get through to them.  Sometimes those people are the same people that are supposed to be there for you.  They are your parents, your siblings, your boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife.  It really fucks a person up when the people that are suppose to take care of them need taking care of, and it really fucks them up when those people don't respond when you put yourself out there and make an effort.  
Again, that is not your fault, and it is not on you.  It's not usually their fault either.  There is a lot of hurt, and a lot of pain in this world, and it takes its toll on everyone, and in turn it takes a toll on you.  
So don't assign blame when things don't work out the way you planned.  Chalk it up to the fact that there are all kinds of forces and experiences driving everyone else's reality.  If you feel that they are worth it, take a little time to recharge and then try again.  Keep trying, because it does matter and it does make a difference.  Trust me.  It may even make a difference that you never even see.  It does matter to those people in need though, I know that for a fact.  
Just don't let it confuse you into thinking that you are somehow inferior or not good enough.  Take pride in your achievements, and more importantly, recognize them as achievements in the first place.  If you make a mistake, or try something that makes things a little worse, don't worry about that either.  That in itself is an achievement, because now you learned what not to do next time and it's made you a better person at helping someone else.  What can be better than that?  
You are just the same as everyone else, figuring it out as you go. No one expects you to get it right every single time, so why do you have such unreal expectations for yourself?  
One other thing.  Recognize when someone is trying to help you.  We are guilty of doing the same thing to everyone that they do to us.  Perhaps you expect too much out of someone else, but maybe they are doing the best they can and giving you the best that they have.  Don't make them feel like they are failing you when they are trying to the best of their ability.  Let them know that you appreciate whatever you get and maybe you will get a little more next time.  I'm not saying you should put up with shitty behavior and abuse, but just recognize the difference between shortcomings and sociopathic behavior.  
And as always, be nice to others and just as nice to yourself.  Trust me, you deserve it.