I want to go somewhere that's so dark that I can sit under the stars and see the Milky Way like I did when I was a child. I remember it most vividly on a trip to Arizona around 1970. I want to see the Milky Way again. 

I want spend one night with my family again. Just my parents and my brother, just for one night. My immediate family survived a lot of shit together, and it made us extremely close. While I love all my extended family and my friends and all, I will still never forget what it was like in Texas in 1977, sitting at our dining room table playing cards, because we were in a new place where we didn't belong and all we had was each other and the good times around that table. 

I want to sit with all my pets that have gone on, just one more time, and tell them what good babies they are and how much joy and happiness they have brought me and bury my face in their fur and hold them close just one last time. 

Similarly, I want to see my friends and family that have passed, just once more, to selfishly enjoy their company and relive the things that made them special to me. Just to hear their voice again, and to get whatever special, unique thing from them that I can't get from anyone else. 

I want to be in love the way it is meant to be. The way it is in the beginning, when you can't wait to see them and you melt from across the room or at the sound of their voice. The way it is before all the old fears and the thoughts of what others have done ruin it, and create walls and traps and sharp edges. I want the feeling that only pure, true love can bring you. 

I want to relax, to feel calm and safe and carefree one more time before I die. I'm afraid that nothing, no drug, no material thing, no theology, no self help book will ever get that back for me. The longer you live, the more responsibility and worry you accumulate, the more you need to plan and then have contingency plans for when those plans don't work. I want to feel the way I felt as a child, dozing in the back seat of the car at night, while your parents drove home and all you could see out the window were the stars and the occasional streetlight, and you felt safe and warm and like you were going home, because that's exactly what you were. 

I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to feel the way I know I'm supposed to feel, but can't ever quite get there. I want to live without constantly searching my physical self for flaws and imperfections, and judging myself against impossible expectations. I want to be accepted and forgiven and loved for what I am, or maybe at least recognize that I already am and shut that part of my brain up that tells me I'm hideous and failing everyone in my life on a constant basis. 

I want to just once feel like I belong somewhere, that I fit in, that I'm not alone. That's the worst thing. Feeling like no one really understands you and never will. Feeling like you are the only one that thinks and feels the way that you do, and that you're never part of something bigger. Not like you're a stranger in a strange land, different from everyone else and unconnected, adrift in lifeless sea, with no sight of land. 

Just one more time I want to feel like I'm home again, whatever that might be.

Alabma

Alabama, where democrats never win. Alabama, where the Republicans played all their usual games: scare tactics, hate speech, lies, gerrymandering, voter suppression. The Alabama Supreme Court even ruled against a motion to preserve the voting records in case there needed to be a recount. It’s Alabama, about the most backwards, red state that there is, where 650,436 people thought it was in their best interests to vote for a pedophile, not to mention probably the most stupid, outdated, wrong thinking moron there is, next to the president. 
You have to have faith in people. I know that’s hard, but in the end, most people will do the right thing(even by a small margin, but again, we’re talking about Alabama here). The country will right itself, little by little. That doesn’t mean sit back and take it easy though, it means work even harder and build on this victory. Keep the anger burning and keep pressuring those in power, keep working to get people to understand what’s at stake and to get out and vote. Keep doing whatever it takes to hold these horrible people in power in check until we take the country back from those looking to pervert and destroy it. 
The point is, Alabama still managed to overcome all the odds and do something pretty amazing. They rebuked the Republican party and their message, they rebuked the president, they rebuked a century of tradition. Alabama. 
Now the rest of us have no excuse.

I guess I'm a militant feminist

Nothing makes me want to puke more than women sticking up for men that harrass or abuse women. It's like Jews for Hitler. What even motivates a woman to have to try to stick up for men when the discussion is about horrible shit men do? Good job, you're brainwashed into automatically helping out the enemy.  God, we men have really done a job on women. I'm sorry so many of us suck so much, I really am. Don't defend us, don't make excuses for us, don't question your fellow women and make them feel ashamed for standing up for themselves. If we're innocent, we have nothing to fear and could care less about having someone validate us, especially at the expense of someone who has been victimized. The day I cry or whine because I feel persecuted for horrible shit other men have done is the day you can take me out back and put a fucking bullet in my head. I'd rather be dead than be an entitled little douchebag who has his feelings hurt. So thanks for defending us "good guys", but no thanks. I'm a real man, I know who I am and I know it takes strength and character to put others first, and I'm proud of the fact that I know better. I can take care of myself when there's people who need real help and support.  So help and support them and stop worrying about men's feelings and rights. Trust me, as a man I can tell you, we have it pretty fucking easy.

Al Franken

Okay, I didn't feel like writing all this, but here's the bottom line: Al Franken had to resign. I don't care how much you liked him, I don't care how you think we need him on our side in the war, I don't care if you think it's dirty tricks by Republicans. 
At this point, a lot of women have come forward claiming he groped them. At first I thought they might be making something out of nothing, or misinterpreting it. Now it's too many women, most of them lifelong Democrats and liberals that loved Al too. A lot of them seem conflicted, like they are hurting their own cause by coming forward. And what are they getting for their trouble?
A bunch of "liberals" questioning their stories and crying foul and conspiracy. Exactly the way you claim Republicans act. And you wonder why women are afraid to come forward. Liberals sticking up for the man, claiming that even if true, his transgressions don't merit him resigning, saying he shouldn't be punished simply because he's on our side. If you think the Republicans are setting us up to weaken our position, you are doing their work for them. You are making us look like hypocrites, mimicking their horrible behavior.
Al Franken realizes this, and he is stepping down so as not to damage the party any more than he already has. If you like and respect him so much, why can't you appreciate and support his decision?
What really bothers me is how quickly so many of you are willing to throw away your moral convictions. You claim that we need to get in the trenches with the Republicans and beat them at their own game. You claim Democrats are weak for giving in, and even calling some of your own camp "snowflakes" or "FemiNazis", using the right's sickening terminology on your own side. That is setting yourself up to lose.
True strength comes from holding tight to your convictions, no matter what the cost. If it is right, it is right, that's all there is too it. Does that make it a little scary, to give up such an important piece as Al Franken seemed to be? Well, if you want to talk about being scared, be the liberal woman who has to be brave enough to not only tell their story and fear reprisal by the right, but have her own people turn on her. The people that are supposed to support women who come forward. I guess that nobility only applies when they are coming out against people you don't like.
Sticking to your guns when it hurts you is the true test of your moral fiber. Martin Luther King didn't resort to his enemies tactics, and look what he accomplished. That's why there are so few heroes in the world. That's why change is so hard to achieve. You have to have real courage and real strength, even when it frightens you, even when it might weaken your side for a moment. You have to have faith that you will be stronger in the end for remaining true to yourself and your message.
The Republicans aren't making us look bad, we are.

Some things I know and you can't tell me different:

Everyone has something unique and amazing about them. Everyone.

Most people will never discover that thing or will be made to feel bad about it by others that are jealous that haven't discovered their own unique and amazing thing.

Some people’s amazing and unique thing is to harm others and make them feel bad.

Drug addicts that never get help will always choose drugs first.

You are most likely not made of drugs, so you will never be happy if you love a drug addict.

Lonely people eat a lot of pizza.

Eating pizza alone just makes it worse.

If you’re lonely and lactose intolerant, you have a problem.

Karma is not a bitch. Life's a bitch sometimes, and sometimes it is not. It is completely arbitrary. If karma was a real thing there wouldn’t be so many horrible people living perfectly fine, happy lives. They would all be struck down by karma.

The thing we confuse for karma is that many horrible people do lead miserable lives and sometimes fuck themselves over, but that is their own doing. They sometimes go to jail, or the people they love leave them, or they end up alone and hated, but that is not some mystical force, it is just people’s shitty behavior biting them in the ass. Just as many really good people are miserable too. Why isn’t karma helping them?

“Karma’s a bitch” is probably about as far away as the original concept of karma as you can get. “Karma’s a bitch” is just another lame Americanization of some other culture, like the croissan’wich.

There are no moral absolutes. I mean there are, but I don’t think you can adhere to any of them and survive in the world.

I still try to maintain moral absolutes, and I have a real hard time surviving in the world.

Many people that should have a higher opinion of themselves do not.

Many people that should not have such a high opinion of themselves do.

Some of the things I know are merely my opinion, not necessarily facts, and your opinions may vary. I realize this.

Many people do not realize that their opinions are not facts, and that is where most of us get into trouble. Many people’s opinions are not even their own opinions, they are just too lazy or easily manipulated into adopting other people’s opinions that go against who they really are.

A lot of people hate an awful lot of other people and things.

Most of the time when people hate things they are just jealous, or frustrated, or hurt and lashing out.

I don’t always have time to figure out everyone’s motive for their shitty behavior or the patience to try to help them get past it, and I’m sorry for that. Sadly, there are plenty of other people that should be picking up the slack on that front, but they can’t be bothered, and would rather chastise instead of listen. I’m trying my best, but I’m only one person.

I wish I could heal the world. I wish I could make everything better for everyone dealing with a lot of shit that they really shouldn’t have to deal with. It weighs heavily on me and it breaks my heart a million times a day.

I know that I can’t, because some of the world doesn’t even realize that they are broken. I can’t because even a lot of the broken people that know they are broken don’t want to face it and help themselves, so I just have to keep trying while I watch them flounder and punish themselves. It weighs heavily on me and it breaks my heart a million times a day.

I know that it is my own fault, and my own choice to take on these burdens and that most likely there will be no reward and no happy outcome, but I would rather live with the broken heart and know that I tried than to just abandon humanity and give up.

Knowing yourself makes it a lot easier to live with your actions, even if they are killing you. Knowing yourself helps, but it isn’t a cure all for everything and it often leads to more misery, but at least you know why you’re doing it. This is known as “small consolation”, but sometimes it’s the best you can hope for.

I have found that I have pretty much been able to do anything I set out to do.

Part of the secret of being able to accomplish anything you set out to do is knowing what you are capable of in the first place.

You will only know what you are capable of if you step out into the unknown sometimes and take a chance and fail.

Do not limit yourself to only doing things you are sure you will succeed at. See how weird life really is?

We are all luckier than we could ever imagine.

Knowing that, we still feel that we are all unlucky.

One of the biggest hindrances to the happiness of the human race is that we all keep things secret that everyone feels and none of us talk about. We bottle it all up and think that we are the only ones that feel a certain way or deal with certain horrors. We think that no one could love us if they knew the awful things we think and we’ve done, but we all think and do them and only by sharing this knowledge with friends and strangers alike will we ever learn to truly love and trust each other.

I will never stop writing this stuff and spilling myself all over the page because I know that it brings some small amount of comfort and solace to others, and that makes it so worthwhile. All the heartbreak and all the pain I feel is balanced by the fact that I open myself up to the world, and sometimes people open up to me and we talk and cry and share our secrets. You should try it. The reward is that there are quite a few people that tell me that I am the only one like me that they have in their lives. They cherish me, and I cherish them right back. It is worth it every single time.

If you don’t use the word “cherish” to describe anyone or anything in your life, you are really missing out. I am the luckiest person alive because I use that word to describe so many people and things that I can’t even keep track.

I still feel unlucky ....

Me Too, Continued

I'm starting to see jokey comments about all the sexual misconduct and abuse stories coming out, and I can appreciate dark and bad taste humor more than most, but we should keep an eye on it. What usually happens is that after the initial shock and awe of things like this, we start using humor to cope. It's natural. Unfortunately, it is also sometimes signalling the start of public fatigue. This isn't some blip in the news cycle, this is a paradigm shift in how the country treats half the population. People tend to get tired of things once the novelty wears off, but that is a shortcoming in people, not the issues or those that want fair treatment or justice.

So hold off on your whining about having to hear about some person's horrible experience, and their attempt to hold someone accountable for it. If it's too much for you to deal with in such large portions, then don't look at every story you see. What you shouldn't do is cry like a baby because you have decided when it's enough because it makes you uncomfortable or bores you. You only sound like a shallow, insensitive and entitled piece of shit when you do that. You come off as a narcissist because you are taking an important issue and making it all about poor, poor you.

Continue to treat these instances with the same disgust and outrage, because each one deserves the same justice the first ones got. It's not their fault that they took longer to reach you. There is a purge happening, a reckoning for people who abused their positions to humiliate, harass and abuse, to dehumanize people, and that doesn't happen overnight. So stay angry, keep being appalled at this disgusting behavior, and keep being supportive of women coming forward with their stories. Otherwise we will soon descend back into the behavior that kept them silent for so long, and it would be a shame to waste all this momentum that's been achieved so far.

Trump Supporters

There is one thing all us rational people need to accept about the whole Trump situation that will save us all a lot of frustration and trouble. You are never going to convey your shock and outrage to his legion of fans. Every day it seems he goes too far, and the next he goes even farther. Listing his crimes and hateful comments and every stupid and disgusting thing he does isn't going to jolt them into reality or make them think twice. The things we find so horrible and dangerous about this cretin are the things his followers see as attributes. They like it. For most of them, he hasn't gone far enough yet.

I don't even know what to call this

I was going to write a post about how we can save tax money by getting rid of any advisors or intelligence people in the White House or think tanks, because the president apparently doesn't need them, he just gets all his info and policy ideas from Fox News. I was going to point out how the diversity visa thing all these yahoos are screaming about is just one more divisive tool chock full of misinformation. I thought about bringing up the fact that all the hateful racist idiots are losing their minds because some insane Muslim guy drove a truck over some people, but they didn't scream about white Christian guys when one of them killed nearly eight times as many people and injured more than five hundred more in Las Vegas last month. Instead, all I can think about is how little respect I have for you if you get even one iota of your information from Fox News, or believe anything the Republicans or Trump tells you. And don't start with any shit about how you think for yourself and you get information from all sides. Don't tell me you're an independent or libertarian or whatever other bullshit label you want to use. Don't go on about how we need to give our president a chance. Donald Trump is a malignancy that needs to be cut out before he does anymore harm. He is a complete fucking moron that has no grasp whatsoever of government or what it even means to be human. He is a racist misogynist homophobic piece of garbage. He is a narcissist and a sociopath. If you support him, if you think he deserves a chance, if you think he should have any respect at all, well... I don't know what that says about you. I know the comparisons always come back to Hitler, and in the past that seemed extreme for anyone that occupied the Oval Office. The sad fact is, we are at that point now. If you support Trump, you are as bad as the people that put Hitler in power. I know, he hasn't killed any Jews or started a war or raided the slums, at least not yet. But he is a fascist, and a lot of the things he and his administration is doing mirror the things Hitler did in the beginning. He literally has Nazis singing his praises! So that's who you are. You are a modern day member of the new American Nazi party, only we aren't calling it that so far. You are uninformed and too lazy or insecure to even check and see if you might be wrong. You are most likely lying to yourself about your own racism, misogyny or homophobia. You have been fooled into voting against your own best interests, and dooming the rest of us with your actions. You might just be too stupid to even be involved in politics or voting, although I hate to call people stupid. There are few truly stupid people in the world, there are just willful idiots. So stop being fucking idiots, and if you can't, just shut up and go back to whatever it was you were doing before you got all riled up about politics, and stop ruining the world.

Things women are better at than men

Things women are better at than men:

Loving

Nurturing

Organizing

Empathizing

Multitasking

Child rearing

Living longer

Staying healthy

Tolerating pain

Managing money

Things men are better at than women:

Making it harder for women to do any of the things on that list

Peeing while standing

Some things I'm thinking about this morning 10/29/17

Some things I'm thinking about this morning:

I generally don't like flavors mixed together in drinks. I don't like kiwi strawberry or mango peach or whatever. I drink those flavored water powders, and one day they were out of the fruit punch flavor, so I reluctantly tried cherry pomegranate. Turns out, that's now my favorite flavor. Makes sense, I like cherries and I like pomegranates. Of course, I like strawberries and I like kiwi, but not together. Here's the kicker though: thinking about this, I realized that my favorite is fruit punch, which is a bunch of fruits mixed together! It's all very confusing.

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me because when I'm telling someone about a friend, they always ask me things about them that I don't really know. They'll ask “what does he do for a living?” or “where did he go to school?” or “how old are their kids?” Now I know some of that information for my closest friends, but not for most of the people I know. I feel bad, because I'm obviously not asking the right questions. I'm a good conversationalist, and people generally like talking to me, but I must be a horrible person because I don't know these basic things that everyone else seems interested in.

Today I realized that my conversation style is to just let people tell me about the things they want to talk about. If they feel it's important to tell me about their job or their schooling or their kids, that's fine, but they don't. They tell me all kinds of personal things that I'm not at liberty to discuss with other people, and they talk about a lot of interesting things that they feel they can't talk to other people about. I'm interested in everything, so I usually share their enthusiasm, so they forget about their jobs or their responsibilities for awhile and get all excited and animated talking about some movie or song or article about mollusks that they read.

So I've decided that I'm not going to worry anymore if I'm some kind of sociopath, and just continue talking to people about stuff they want to talk about and not badger them with questions about their shitty job or ungrateful kids. I think what I provide them with is better than that.

I live in an apartment, and if I'm expecting someone, I'll go unlock the door and stand their with it open while they come into the building. Sometimes people think of apartment hallways like their car. They think that they're isolated, so they will talk to themselves, or burp or fart, or maybe pick their nose. I don't know about the last one, I can only hear them. Sometimes they will sing, and it's not just in apartment hallways. I come upon people singing to themselves in all kinds of random situations.

The musician part of me should probably be grimacing about how off key they are, but who am I to talk? They are always embarrassed when they are caught, but they shouldn't be. I'm just happy that they're singing, because it's hard to be miserable and sing, even if you're singing about miserable things. And let's face it, most of the greatest songs are about horrible things.

So all of you, sing whenever you want, and don't be ashamed. Well, maybe don't bust out a Taylor Dayne song at a funeral or something, but you know what I mean.

Two Groups

There's two groups of people when it comes to politics:

The more uninformed and the dumber you are, the easier you are to manipulate.

The more informed and the smarter you are, the easier you are to disenfranchise.

The more insecure you are, the easier it is to convince yourself you belong in the other group.

Me Too Part Nine

So here it is another Monday, and the weekly cycle begins again.  I know how things work these days, and a new week brings new shock and outrage and new stories to command our attention.  That’s why I took the opportunity last week to post about sexual harassment and abuse every chance I got. This week it is pushed to the back of the line, and we all succumb to our short attention spans.  Soon, we will forget about Harvey Weinstein, and all the buzz it created and the other people it exposed.  We elected a sexual predator president, why would anyone think that what some producer in Hollywood did would occupy our thoughts for that long?

But we shouldn’t let it go.  We shouldn’t stop talking about it.  We shouldn’t let a whole movement lose momentum just because we had a couple of days off and there are no big sensational headlines to draw our attention back to it. That’s what will happen, though.

We can’t control the news media or the national dialog.  We don’t have a pulpit, or hold office.  We can only do what we can.  We can continue to use social media to keep the discussion going.  We can petition, and get our elected officials involved, and try to strengthen the laws and punishments for abuse and harassment and violence.  Everyone is spread so thin these days, with so many pressing needs, so I’m not sure how much time and energy is left over to devote to this.  There are people fighting for justice everyday though, so we can help out when we can.

Ultimately, the thing all of us can do is try to keep our eyes open.  Not just for bad behavior of others.  We need to examine ourselves and see if we are helping or hurting the situation. There have been plenty of times in my life where I have responded or acted in a way that didn’t help anything.  We have to learn, and to learn we need to be open to learning in the first place.  We can all do better, all of us.  

We also need to keep our eyes open when it comes to being there for women in these situations.   Often they cannot be open about what they are dealing with, either because someone is stopping or threatening them, or because they don’t feel comfortable.  It is all of our jobs to make the people we care about feel safe and comfortable around us.  We need to be supportive, and not just dismiss what they say about their lives and situations. We need to be receptive to any signs that there might be a problem.

We need to speak out when we encounter something wrong.  We need to stop accepting unacceptable behavior and making excuses for it.  We need to teach our children about respect and understanding and empathy.

All of these things are things we can do, without help from celebrities or politicians or activists or foundations, or even people like me that just annoy you on your Facebook page about it.  We can do it ourselves because it is the right thing to do.  For women. For men. For our children.  

For the entire human race.

Me Too part eight

Some of you may be sick of my posts all week about how women are treated by men, but I really don’t care.  Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows that the subject infuriates and upsets me, and I won’t back down from talking about it.  I do feel bad though, about the fact that some women who have lived through some of this horrible stuff are affected just by reading about it.  Even women that have gotten past it and moved on with their lives can still be triggered when they read some of the things I write about, and even by my anger and vitriol that comes along with it.  I apologize to them, and by all means ignore it if you don’t want to be reminded or upset by it. I will continue to speak out about it though, because I just can’t accept it.

So all week I have been talking about the damage it does, and the lives it ruins, but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the women that I know that have not let it destroy them, and the women that are still working through it, or the women still in the midst of the violence and abuse.

These people are my heroes.

I know women that have been through things that would cripple most people.  Still, they somehow manage to get out of bed each morning and get on with their lives.  They may suffer from PTSD, they might live in fear and extreme anxiety, they might see attackers everywhere.  They have to remind themselves every day and every minute that all men are not like the ones that victimized and brutalized them.

They live everyday with the memories of what happened and constant reminders of the trauma and pain.  Many of them even see their abusers on a regular basis, because most of this stuff goes unreported and/or unpunished.  Some of them have children with the men that committed these acts against them, and are forced to interact with them. There are even cases where rapes resulted in pregnancy, and the rapist is awarded custody and visitation rights.

These women are strong.  They are to be admired.  They are capable of dealing with all this horrible stuff and still managing to function, and even thrive.  They reclaim what is theirs, and they come out stronger and more powerful than before.  They are survivors, and they are warriors, and like I said earlier, they are heroes.

Even the women that are still so damaged that they might break your heart, or end up addicted, or self-sabotage themselves in a myriad of other ways.  The fact that they are still facing the world everyday means that they haven’t given up completely.  Some of them face derision and insults because of how they are coping(or not coping) with what they have been through, as if it wasn’t hard enough.  Some of their actions you find so offensive are a byproduct of what they have had to endure, and their self worth has suffered, so go a little easy on them.  

And if any woman that was a victim of any abuse is reading this, don’t give up.  Don’t let it define you. It is not always apparent, but there are good people and organizations that can help you.  There are decent people in the world that care and know how to treat others with respect.

Unfortunately, there are also a lot of women in similar situations, but that means that you are not alone. You are not to blame and you are not being singled out by the universe, so many other women can relate to what you are going through. Whether you need to get away from a person or situation, whether you are ready to press charges, whether you are just ready to talk about it and start to reclaim your life, there are people ready to help.

And if you ever think that you can never go on, that you can’t live with your current situation or live with the memories of what you went through, I want to remind you that you are tougher than you think.  You are still here, and you are still reading this.

You are still my hero.

http://www.thehotline.org/

https://centers.rainn.org/

https://www.nsopw.gov/en-US/Education/HelpSupport

http://www.pa-fsa.org/Home/   

Me Too part seven

There are many people who try to downplay and invalidate women's experiences with sexual harassment. They claim it's just how the world works, and part of the game. They say it's not a big deal, and go so far as to say that women should take it as a compliment. They say women are overreacting to catcalls, and unwanted attention just walking down the street.

Situations like this aren't just about the sexual component. It's about control and security. It means that your job, the means of supporting yourself and your family, is dependent on letting men in more powerful positions demean you and objectify you. It takes away any feeling of control, and leaves you at the mercy of the whims of people that have no respect for you. It is scary, and it basically forces you into the role of supplicant.

As a woman in that situation, you could speak up and report it, or demand respect, but that is a very risky and scary strategy. Many times you are called a liar, or told you are overreacting, or fired because you are seen as a liability. The vast majority of jobs don't pay enough to cover the immense legal bills to fight harassment or an unlawful firing from your job.

People tend to have this fantasy scenario where companies have proactive human resources departments where this behavior isn't tolerated. You just report it and your boss is reprimanded and fired, and there is some kind of safe and level playing field. That is very far from reality in the vast majority of cases, don't fool yourself.

Most people don't even work for some huge corporation with departmental oversight, or in high profile jobs. They work at a small, family owned business as a receptionist or bookkeeper. They work at a restaurant or big box store, or a bank or small office. Maybe they are a sales rep, where they have to put up with harassment from their bosses and their clients.

Everyday they spend eight plus hours in a situation where they have little control over their lives. They are stuck in a situation where their livelihood is in jeopardy if they don't tolerate being treated as less than human. What do you think that does to someone's psyche? How do you think that's acceptable, and something someone should tolerate, let alone take as a compliment? I imagine it would make you feel like a prey animal on the savanna, surrounded by predators.

Which is the same way catcalls and wolf-whistles on the street would make you feel. It is demeaning and disarming to have men treating you like a thing to ogle and leer at. It calls unwanted attention, shining a spotlight on you as you are debased and objectified.

It steals your security and makes you feel unsafe and uncomfortable while you are simply going about your day. It is telling you that you are only valued based on your looks and sex appeal. It completely changes your environment, causing anxiety and fear.

How does a woman know if your unwanted attention and harassment is going to escalate to violence or sexual abuse? If she tries to pass it off or diffuse it with a laugh or a forced smile, that might invite even more interaction. If she ignores you, or rebuffs you, that could result in aggression and conflict.

So you are putting her in a position of stress and uncertainty, destroying her security and any feeling of control, and undermining her self worth as you treat her like a plaything. You are dehumanizing her.

Does that sound like innocent fun? Does that sound like a compliment?

Does that sound like respect?

Yet this is what men do to women everyday, and then complain when women are offended, or feel harassed or unsafe.

The sad truth is, your abhorrent behavior isn't even strength, it is weakness. You are so pathetic that you can't even approach a women on a level playing field, you need to try to berate or intimidate her, make inappropriate comments, or jeer like an adolescent boy. You are immature and insecure, and desperately trying to control the thing you desire with no thought to how it might make her feel.

You are a sociopath.

It's not that women can't take a joke. It's not that women can't take a “compliment”. It's not that they are uptight, or no fun, or making a big deal out of nothing.

The problem isn't women, the problem is you. 

Me Too part six

Just talking about the horrible things men do to women isn’t even the whole story.  Not even close.  

Most of the women that are harassed or abused never get justice or closure.  The act itself is bad enough.  Then women are left to try to make sense of it.  some don’t even have the tools to deal with the abuse because the abuse was perpetrated on them by someone that was supposed to be protecting them.  Their father, or step father, brother, uncle or cousin.  Many families don’t even want to deal with it, so they ignore it or they blame the girl.  Many women who are sexually or physically abused when they are young are caught in the middle of a cycle  that they will unwittingly participate in themselves.
Most people’s insurance(if they even have insurance) doesn’t cover much in the way of mental health care, so many of these girls grow up and try to function in relationships when they don’t even know what a healthy relationship looks like. They have no way to get help, they have no one to talk to, they just live with this festering mental anguish with no one to help them cope or express their feelings.  They relive it over and over, and it affects every aspect of their lives.

If the abuse happens at work, many times nothing is done.  If they even feel comfortable enough to report it, many times nothing really happens to the perpetrator. Many times the women is said to be at blame.  I have heard many stories where the woman reported it and was fired.  My own father has seen this firsthand at jobs he’s worked at.  

The same thing happens when they report these crimes to the police.  Many times women are afraid or embarrassed to report it.  Most rapes go unreported for this reason. I can’t even count the number or women I have known that have been the victim of rape or physical violence.  The number is upwards of 50 at least.  Of all of them, perhaps 10 of those instances were ever reported, and of those, maybe two were actually adjudicated.  Women hit roadblocks every step of the way.  Their character is impuned by the men that committed the crimes, they are forced to publicly recount their experiences and are dissected and scrutinized every step of the way.

It makes me livid when I hear people question why it takes so much time for women to come forward with their accusations.  It isn’t easy at all, and I doubt many of the people chastising women for their reactions to being raped or beaten would have the fortitude and courage to come forth themselves. They are simply contributing to the problems women face in reporting these incidents.

The abuse and harassment are horrible enough, but then there is the lifetime spent trying to reconcile it and understand how someone could do that to them.  So many questions and doubts and fears left unanswered and unexplained.  When a man does anything like this to a women, he takes something from her that she may never get back.  He sentences her to years of torment and misery.  It can rob her future of happiness and security and trust, it can keep her from ever loving herself or someone else.  It can affect their children, destroy their relationships and families.  

For many the actual incident is just the beginning of a lifetime of uncertainty and pain.

That is the reality of what you are doing.  That is why it is time to put an end to it.  

That is why women are saying “me too”.

Are you listening?

Me Too part five

I have had women I know personally tell me about being raped; by strangers, by family members, by step parents.  I have heard them tell me about abuse that went on for years.  I have had them tell me about being drugged, and gang rapes when they were teenagers. I have had them tell me about husbands, boyfriends, exes, and friends raping them violently, hitting them, kicking them, stalking them, damaging their car or house, and putting them in the hospital.  I have been in the same room and seen their boyfriends, from out of nowhere, punch them squarely in the face repeatedly, at least until I could get between them.

I have seen men grope, grab, pinch, and engage in any other manner of inappropriate touching, in plain sight of other men.  I have seen them tell women to lift their shirts, or pull their shirts up themselves, or try to grab their hands and put them in their crotch.  I have seen men talk to them in the most demeaning and debasing terms, and humiliate them in front of others.  

I have watched as men systematically wore women down, destroyed their self esteem, and saddled them with guilt and shame that sticks with them for decades.

I have seen and heard about the most sadistic psychopaths.  I have seen and heard about the “innocent fun”  men that people say “boys will be boys” about , and I am here to tell you that they are both a scourge.  

Any harassment, any abuse, verbal, emotional, or physical, anything that in any way makes a woman feel uncomfortable or threatened, violates them, or bad about themselves, is wrong.  They are not property.  There is no difference between how you treat a “good” girl and how you treat a “bad” girl.  Your idea of promiscuity, loose morals, style of dress, how much they drink, or whether they are “asking for it” is bullshit.  

Whether a women is at church or onstage at a strip club, that doesn’t make one bit of difference about how you treat them with respect.  

And yes, there are a lot of women out there that do not treat themselves with respect, and that is a very sad and terrible thing.  But any decent kind of person would feel bad about that, and want to protect or comfort someone who feels that way about themselves, not take advantage of it.

Me Too part four

Sometimes when I tell people about all the horror stories the women I know have told me, they say things like “Wow, you sure know how to attract them”, or “Do you have a sign outside your door or something?”

They seem to think that I somehow find the only women in the world that have been damaged or hurt by the horrible things men have done to them.  Now really, what are the odds of that being the case?

Maybe a lot of guys just aren’t paying attention, or providing a safe atmosphere for women to tell them their stories.

Maybe they should start.

Me Too part three

Last month a guy I know was talking about women, and explaining how messed up he thought they were.  

He said to me “what is it with women, that after you fuck them, they start crying and telling you about how one time they got raped or something?  What the fuck?  Why tell you that shit then?”

I replied “Probably because if they felt safe enough to be intimate and have sex with you, they felt safe enough to tell you something traumatic and horrifying that happened to them.”

And he just laughed, and said that women are all the same, because some people are never going to get it.

BTW, I wasn’t shocked or taken aback, and had an answer ready, because this was not the first time I had heard some man say something like this, not by a long shot.  Being a guy, it is just assumed that I am in their horrible club.  

And yeah, this isn’t the way all men talk all the time.  But a lot of them do, and a lot of the guys standing around listening just agree or not say anything.  I don’t always say anything myself, it depends on the situation, or if I’m in the mood for a confrontation.  I might just want to get out of there, and the people talking are nobody I really know, or care to know.

But a lot of the time I do speak up, because that’s what you should do, if you can.  It’s the right thing to do.  I haven’t gotten beat up yet, or ostracized, or tarred and feathered.  You can say what’s right without being a jerk, and you can be clever with how you word stuff so you don’t end putting people on the offensive or wind up starting a war.  You can win the crowd over without someone even realizing that they are in a competition until it is too late.

You don’t have to be on a crusade 24/7, but you owe it to the women in your life to speak up for them if they aren’t there to do it themselves.  You owe it the guys you know to try to offer a different perspective that they may not have been lucky enough to have been shown to them by their parents or friends.  You owe it to humanity.  

Me too part two

I know hundreds of stories that women have told me about the things they’ve dealt with from men that would break your heart and fill you with rage. Those are not my stories to tell, though, so I won’t.

The stories I can tell is the things men have said to me, or the things I’ve seen them do, and I will be sharing them this week.  It might make you uncomfortable, or it might annoy you, and you will ignore those posts, but that’s your prerogative.  It’s not going to help the problem go away, but it’s your choice as to what kind of man you want to be.

I have heard a lot of men bring up the fact that when a powerful man, be it a celebrity, or a politician, or an executive, is accused of sexual misconduct or rape, that the women waited so long to report it or come out about it. They seem to think that they can tell victims the appropriate way they should have responded.

I can’t count the number of times men have said “If these women got raped, why would they not tell anyone for all this time, then suddenly come out with it now?”

My reply is to always ask them about how long it took them to tell anyone about when they were raped.

Their reaction is to quickly point out that they have never been raped or abused by anyone, to which I reply

“Then why you do you think you have the right to question how someone might react that has been?”

I don’t think a lot these men realize how hard it is to publicly admit to being raped or harassed.  I don’t think that they understand that to come out and tell their story is to go against the system, and very powerful people.  I don’t think they get that there is trauma and shame and fear involved.

What they really don’t seem to grasp is that when you question the reaction of anyone that has been through something horrific, you are making it harder for any victims to come forward.  You are invalidating what happened to them, and for what reason?  Why is it your knee-jerk reaction to question the victim's motive, rather than examine the actions of the perpetrator? Why do you first assume that that the women must be lying or have some ulterior motive?  Sure, it has happened on occasion, but history shows us the odds are overwhelmingly in favor of it being true.  If nothing else, err on the side of safety until we know for sure, rather than rush to the aid of an accused predator.

I think a lot of it is nothing more than people’s natural inclination to want to believe that these horrible things exist in the world. You don’t change the world or right the ills of society by pretending they don’t exist.  You do that by dragging them out into the light and facing them.  That’s what I will be doing, every chance I get.

And it’s nothing to get defensive about if you’re a guy and you’ve done this.  I am still learning what is right and wrong when it comes to most of these issues, because I am not a women and I will never know what it is like.  But I can listen, like I’ve been listening for decades, and I can do better.  

That’s not too much to ask of ourselves.  

Me Too part one

I don't know about anyone else on Facebook, but I see a lot of women posting with the #metoo hashtag and I applaud them. It is brave and vital. I see women commenting on those posts and adding their "#metoo" comments and some even sharing their experiences. I see a few men commenting on the posts, but not many. Most of the men I see commenting are being supportive, which is good, but it's still not a lot of men joining the conversation.
Maybe they feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about it, or overwhelmed and shocked by it, or maybe they feel ashamed, I don't know. Whatever the reason though, it means that the vast majority of men are doing what they've been doing forever, which is nothing. It's not enough to just be "one of the good guys" and remain silent and wait for everyone to stop talking about it again so you can feel comfortable with it swept back under the rug.
Women are bravely sharing traumatic, demeaning, and in some instances life-altering experiences, and you meekly scroll by and can't join in the conversation, to at least offer support? How is this going to end if you don't even acknowledge that it exists? You have friends, wives, girlfriends, sisters; you have mothers for crying out loud. Odds are, the majority of them have been victims of discrimination or harassment or abuse at the hands of men.
You are doing a disservice to the women in your life, and to society in general by remaining silent and letting it continue.
One other thing. I've listened to all your crying over the years about "crazy" and "psycho" ex wives and girlfriends that broke your hearts and wrecked your lives with their erratic and irrational behavior, their jealousy and mistrust, and a hundred other actions you couldn't understand. What do you think was a big contributing factor to how they got that way? Why do you think they have trust issues? Why do you think they jump at sudden movements and get a look of terror in their eyes when voices are raised? Why do you think so many women automatically say “I'm sorry” for so many things that don't require an apology?

Take notice of how some women subconsciously (or very consciously) get apprehensive when you stand blocking a doorway, or try to hold their arm if you are in a heated discussion with them. You can sometimes feel them tense up if you simply put your arms around them to hug them when they aren't expecting it.

Women have been treated badly in all aspects of society, and traumatized in relationships and by family members, and it's just going to keep on going like that if you ignore what they're saying.

So whine all you want about how women are all bitches and demons, but realize that a lot of them got that way because men have mistreated them. You're going to continue to wonder why your love life sucks, but if you're ignoring women's fight to be treated fairly, and not supporting them, you're part of the reason why no one seems to love you.

What we're doing

It seems a lot of our life is spent admonishing ourselves for doing the wrong thing, or procrastinating, or engaging in destructive behavior when we should be doing what we really want to do.

So figure out what you want to do, and go do it, rather than spend another moment doing something that makes you feel bad about yourself.

Like always, the solution is so simple, but so incredibly hard for some reason. 

Heroes

It used to be in times of crisis that heroes arose, or leaders took to a podium and inspired us and instilled us with hope and reminded us that we didn't have to give in to fear and darkness. Not now. Is it that no heroes exist anymore, or are we unwilling or incapable of hearing their message? Is it their fault, or ours?
Don't give up hope and don't shut out those that try to help you. Heroes can take many forms. Take the time to listen, because like always, heroes exist, I know it. That does not change. You just have to recognize them when they come along.

Believe It!

I see some people from time to time lamenting the state of the world right now. They wring their hands and make dire predictions and get rather dramatic. Now there's a lot of crap to deal with, it's not like those fears are completely unfounded. We have to be ever vigilant, and it's not an easy fight.

Everyday though, I see people I know post obituaries from friends where parents have lost their children to drug addiction. I see people I know that have lost their parents or siblings, people who were their best friends, and are still trying to come to terms with a life without them. I see people I know struggling with mental illness and depression, and anxiety and stress, and sometimes every day is a hurdle for them. I see people I know battling cancer, either in themselves or with a family member, or taking care of their parents suffering from alzheimer's or dementia. I see people I know battling addiction. I see people I know fostering children and fighting animal abuse. I see people I know dealing with domestic violence. I see people I know that have to rebuild their lives after a hurricane, and I see people I know now losing everything in the wildfires in California.

My heart breaks for all of them, but more importantly, I'm awed and inspired by their will to go on. They are brave and they are fierce. Somehow, through all that, they manage to pull it together, and they still find a way to smile or help others or just stand tall and be a decent human being in the face of tragedy and chaos.

And that's why I will never stop believing in humanity. That's why I'm not afraid of any politicians or neo Nazis or evil agendas. Anything or anyone that wants to cause harm or destroy this nation's ideals are going to have to go through the people I know, and the people I know are warriors.

I believe in my friends, and I believe in humanity. You should too.