Things To Do During The Coronavirus Crisis

Things you can do to maximize the time we are impacted by the Coronavirus:

Not much food available? The perfect time to go on a diet! As a bonus, if you can't get much toilet paper, go on a low carb diet and load up on meat and cheese. You'll hardly poop at all!

Go to rehab. If you've been putting it off, now is the perfect time. You won't feel like you're missing out on much, and it will be like you're in quarantine with all the funnest people!

Stockpile weapons and prepare yourself for Mad Max times. You'll also need some weird bondage gear and assless chaps, if the movies are to be believed. You'll still probably die ten minutes after you enter the apocalyptic wasteland, just like you did the first time you played Fallout.

Learn how to cook creatively with all the weird things you've bought over the past year after finding some recipe online, but never looked at them again once you put them in your freezer or cabinet. Make a nice quinoa and jackfruit with tahini and coconut flour casserole. Delve into history, and learn how to make soup out of your shoes when the food runs out, like they did in the Great Depression.

Watch The Office or Friends for the 600th time. It will seem like nothing's changed! If things get bad for longer than two weeks, you might actually have to watch all that crap you put in your streaming queue because you felt like you should watch it, even though you'd rather watch My 600 Pound Life.

Take virtual tours of museums online, or online courses. Just kidding! Watch porn until your genitals are raw and blistered.

Quietly reflect on all your bad choices, and vow to get your life in order once the danger is passed and use the second chance you get to live right. Don't worry, you're not actually going to change your life once we emerge from our hovels, constipated and with the aforementioned blistered genitals.

Drink! For the first time in your life, you have a legitimate excuse to stay home and day drink alone. As an added plus, you're already home, so you won't have to drive home drunk from the club!

Curl up in a ball, sob uncontrollably, and wait to die. You probably do that on a fairly regular basis anyway, at least this time it will seem reasonable.

Don't just waste this gift of time we've been given, get creative and use it wisely. You might as well spend the end of days living joylessly and improving yourself so Jesus isn't disgusted with you on Armageddon day, which by most estimates is next Tuesday.