Decisions, Decisions ...

Everyday starts with big decisions, just like today. For instance, will it be murder/suicide, or just suicide?
That's a joke, kind of, anyway. Life is hard, and although there are a lot of wonderful things to live for, sometimes you seem to hit a patch where there seems to be nothing but bad things. It doesn't even matter that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, you start to wonder what the point is of getting to that light if there's just another tunnel beyond it.
Some rare and lucky people go through life and never find themselves bogged down with thoughts about how life isn't working out for them. They don't deal with the frustration and malaise of everyday life. They don't think too deeply about the things they'll never have, or lie awake nights wondering what might have been.
Then there are others, and I believe it's the majority of us, who are deep thinkers, who see the world for what it could be and what it really is. They believe all the things they were shown in movies and books, and they love harder and are loyal and true, they want their happy ending, and every year that goes by without it just hurts that much more.
It's not that life is intolerable. It's not that their lives are devoid of happiness. They are just unsatisfied. The things that seem to do it for most people don't do it for them. They are what people derisively call dreamers, with their heads in the clouds, and eventually you might get to a point where you don't even remember what your dream was, it just feels like there is some unattainable thing missing from your life.
But most of us make it work. We accept that the world isn't going to be what we thought it would be. We find our happiness here and there, we take care of our responsibilities the best we can, and we go on. We even keep trying to make the world better. We fight for change and progress, we help when we can, we try to bring some happiness and joy to others, to make the world that magical place we believed in for so long, even though we now see more tunnels than light on the road ahead.
Sadly, there is that other group, the people who see no way out. It's all just too much for them. They will never feel like they belong, they will never feel like anyone could ever love them, or if they did, they would not deserve that love. They feel overwhelmed or completely drained, and one sad day they decide that enough is enough.
Some do it quickly. Some when they are young, with their whole lives before them, and that is a real tragedy. I tried it young, and it didn't work, and I'm eternally grateful it didn't, because I would have missed out on so much, the tunnels and the light. Some do it slowly, they just stop caring or trying. They live dangerously, they give themselves over to addiction, they go out in a blaze of glory, or they just wind down while destroying themselves with whatever means are at hand. Some suffer from mental illness or depression, and every day is a struggle, until one day it just seems easier to give up the fight.
It's all tragic. They leave us behind to pick up the pieces, and we often feel resentful. We get angry, we feel hurt, and in turn that can make us feel guilty and ashamed. We feel like we could have done something, but sometimes there is nothing we could have done that would have made a difference.
We should still try, though. We should check in on the people we know. We should let people know we care and we love them and they matter. Not just the sad ones, but everyone. Many times, it is a complete shock when someone takes their own life. People are so good at masking things. That's why life and love and caring is so hard and so scary.
By the same token, if you are having a hard time, reach out to the people who love you. If your brain is telling you that no one loves you, it is lying. There are people who have done some unforgivable things in this world, and still, someone loves them. There are people who have done heinous and hurtful things to me, things that have left deep and lasting scars to this day, yet I still love them. No matter how unlovable you think you are, you are not. You might even resent or hate someone for loving you, because you hate yourself that much, but that's your brain or past trauma talking, it's not reality.
Take me. I have more people in my life who love me than most people do. They tell me all the time. Honestly, hardly a day goes by without someone I know telling me they love me, how much I mean to them, or just thanking me for being in their life. Part of that is because I'm lucky to have a family who is close and caring. I'm lucky to have friends who know that love and trust and companionship matter. We forge deep bonds over music and movies and philosophy and science. We are deep thinkers, and we get it.
I also really put myself out there. I'm accessible, I'm open, I'm honest, and I put long rambling things on Facebook about the meaning of life, and talk about real things, and that matters to some people. That's how I know about that middle group of passionate dreamers and the love they have to give.
So yeah, my life is filled with people who love me, some of them fiercely. Still, not a day goes by where at some point I feel that I am unlovable. I am surrounded by love, yet my fucked up brain whispers to me that no one could really love me. It tells me I don't really fit in anywhere. It tells me all the same things it tells everyone at some point or another, whether you're a huge success or living in the gutter.
We tend to base our happiness on things that aren't real. Not just movies and TV shows, or advertising, or pop culture. We look at others, with a distorted view of their lives, and we compare, we covet, we grow envious of some facet of their life that makes it seem like they have it all figured out.
But they don't. They are just like us, going through life with some wonderful things and some advantages here and there, but the same big missing pieces we all have. They have a lot of the same worries and fears we all do, because any of us can only have so much control, no matter how hard we try. In the end, so much is still just random chance.
The good news is, the chance that comes along, the random and fickle thing that will impact your life, has just as much of a chance to be something good. We usually view change as bad, but change is constant, and more often than not, it's a win. On top of that, you can exert a lot of influence on those seemingly chance occurrences. You can put yourself in a better position to have good things happen. You can work to make better decisions, you can work towards positive goals, you can make a conscious choice to figure out what makes you happy and go get it.
And yeah, that's not easy, and the older you get, the harder it is. Life is not kind to dreamers and lovers. It tends to punish you for caring or trying, and in turn, you learn to punish yourself. When you know what love is, it makes you feel lonelier to go without. Still, lots of people realize their dreams, or at least enough of them to be happy and find fulfillment. So can you.
A lot of those happy and fulfilled people were just as miserable as you might be at times. It's normal to think that everything sucks now and then. It's normal to play that game of rows and columns, whether it's worth it or not, or if it could ever work out. It can always work out. There's always a chance. Life has always been a fight against the bastards and fate and our own insecurities.
The dreamers and the lovers win more often than not, and I'll cast my lot with them every time. If you're reading this, chances are very good that you're one of them, and I couldn't be happier to be your friend. Together, we will forge our own happiness, our own corner of the world, where things make sense and we belong, and we will go on.

Now just so you know, I am not going to be killing myself any time soon. I have way too much to live for, and even though my shitty brain tries to tell me I'm unlovable, I know I'm not. So thank you to everyone who makes me understand that.
But more importantly, if it ever came to it, and I had the presence of mind, of course I would choose murder/suicide. Not randomly, of course, that's horrible. I would definitely try to take out some rapists, or animal abusers, or the antichrist, if they showed up. Or maybe just some of the people who have hurt the ones I care about so much. That's probably just a fantasy, but again, it's probably one many of us have played it in our heads. Or maybe not. Maybe that's some dark thinking that no one else ever pondered, but oh well. I told you I put myself out there, and some of that is bound to make you uncomfortable. We're all dreamers, but some dreams are dark.
Like I said, I know I'm lovable, but I never said I'd make it easy.