Men As Victims

Now the vile right is crying about how men need to be scared, and they are going to be victims. It’s a disgusting and ridiculous ploy to try to frighten people and turn the narrative around. It is a classic technique used over and over again by the very people who have horrible views and perpetrate heinous acts. If you buy into it, you are at best naive, and at worst a horrible human being, possibly with something to hide yourself.
So here’s the thing.
I have known or met hundreds(yes, hundreds) of women who have been the victims of sexual assault and abuse. Chances are very good that you have too, you just don’t know it. I have heard about groping and aggressive behavior, pressuring and threats, not taking no for an answer. I have heard about workplace sexual harassment. I have heard about molestation by family members, friends and neighbors. I have heard about being drugged, being raped, even gang raped. I have heard about being tortured and beaten.
I sit there and I listen to these women tell me about these things, and it is heartbreaking. They are reliving something traumatic and horrific. Some of them break down crying, some of them try to pretend it didn’t really matter, some of them blame themselves.
The thing I notice about all of them is that they are watching my face as they tell me, looking for any sign that I am going to brush it off or not believe them or mock them. They are afraid I will lose respect for them, or judge them, or think it was their fault. When they see that I don’t judge, that I don’t question them, that I believe them, the relief on their faces is immense. Their whole demeanor changes, and their guard comes down. I believe them. I empathize. I cry with them sometimes.
They will often tell me about how other people, men they were seeing, their friends, their parents, the police, wouldn’t believe them, or would tell them it was no big deal and to get over it. They tell me about so many horrible reactions to their incidents or feelings. Many of them never get any kind of help. They don’t get justice, they don’t get psychological help, they don’t even get assistance or sympathy from the people who are supposed to love them most. It’s not their fault. I know a lot of women who would love to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist, but they just can’t afford it. Insurance doesn’t even cover a tiny bit of what they need. I know a bunch who went to the police, and nothing was ever done.
So they keep their secrets to themselves. Who can blame them?
Still, that’s not even the point. The point is that while I know of all these women personally who have been assaulted, and millions more in the news, I don’t know of any men who have had their lives destroyed by false accusations. I have only even heard of a few cases of it in the world at large, a tiny percentage compared to the millions of cases of abuse that are real.
But before anyone comes forward with some story about how some woman once accused them of something they didn’t do, I will correct my statement about not knowing any man who was falsely accused. I know of one.
Once I was served with a PFA(Protection From Abuse order) from a girl I had been dating. The constable and his deputy showed up at my door and handed me the paperwork. I was shocked, to say the least. This was a women I had been dating on and off for years. There had never been one incident where I ever did anything to hurt or threaten her. I told the constable that, and he laughed. He and his deputy joked about how they were always handing out these things, and that women are emotional and get all upset over little things all the time. They told me how sorry they were that some dumb woman was causing me aggravation. I was a little taken aback by that, as this was law enforcement, there to protect women.
So I was stressed for a few days. I wasn’t sure what to do. Should I talk to a lawyer, should I show up at the hearing and defend myself? Should I just let her have the order against me, and hope it didn’t mess up anything in my life down the road? I couldn’t contact her, that was one of the stipulations of the order.
A little background at the time. Like I said, we had dated on and off for years. About six months prior to the order, when we got back together, she had been seeing someone else. In the six months we had been dating at this time, this guy was still in her life at times. He was actually abusive, which is why she broke up with him in the first place. She had told me a week before that she was seeing him again. I begged her not to go back to him, but she wouldn’t hear it. That was the sole thing she mentioned in the order, that I told her “You and I belong together, you don’t belong with him”. She said that she perceived that as a threat, and while I don’t see that statement as any kind of a threat, that’s the whole point of perception. People see things differently. I also had a penchant for punching holes in the wall on occasion. People used to laugh about it, and I always thought that it was a healthier outlet than actually punching people. Later I came to realize that it is still violent, and still a scary thing for a woman to witness, especially a woman who has been the victim of abuse.
What ended up happening was that she called me a few days later, and told me that she was sorry. She would drop it, and not show up at the hearing. She knew I would never hurt her, she was just afraid that I might say something or show up at her house, and get her in trouble with this guy she was seeing. She panicked, and saw this as a quick way to make sure I didn’t cause any trouble in her relationship. Ironically, I think mostly because he would have taken it out on her.
She had broken up with him again, and she ended up coming over the day of the hearing, just to prove that she wasn’t trying to trick me into not showing up. We actually had a great day, and ended up dating again for the next couple of years. I’m still good friends with her to this day.
So there you go, I was a victim of a false accusation. My life is fine. Granted, it could have gone the other way, but even if it had, how badly would it have affected my life?
I am middle class white guy. The company I was working for at the time just laughed when I told them about it, and expressed their sympathies. The cops who came and delivered the order were on my side, with none of the facts other than I seemed like a nice guy with my shit together. Don’t think a judge in the men’s club wouldn’t have seen it the same way. I have heard horror stories. My friends and family knew who I was, and they knew it wasn’t true.
Meanwhile, the women I know who have been abused are still having it affect their lives everyday. Every facet of their lives, in ,most cases. The way they look at the world has radically changed for them. It is frightening, it is chaotic, they have a hard time trusting anybody or anything, and why shouldn’t they? They were assaulted, they were abused, they had everything taken from them, and no one seemed to care. They were blamed, they were accused, they were ignored. Even now, years and decades later, their pain and trauma gets dismissed. By their friends and family. By their boyfriends or husbands. By law enforcement, by their leaders. Now they see victims of the same abuse mocked by no less than the President of the United States.
They see these same people supporting the abuser. How are they supposed to feel? What message does that send? I know so many women who can’t even be a part of this conversation because it triggers them, and reminds them of their own pain and horror that they endured.
So don’t be fooled for one minute about how poor, defenseless men are the ones who need to be protected. Any man who says that isn’t a man at all. Any real man I know wants to protect women, not fear them. And the men who are cowards, and probably guilty of a bunch of terrible shit themselves? They should fear women, because now women are finding their voice, and discovering how powerful they really are. Of course, all oppressors get scared when the people they have oppressed for so long finally rise up. The reckoning is coming, and I’m not afraid at all.
Are you?