I'm a pretty cynical guy. I have a dark sense of humor. I make a lot of jokes about killing myself, and while suicide isn't a laughing matter, that's how I deal with the fact that we all wonder if it's all worth it sometimes. I'm probably suffering from some form of depression, but I want to make it clear that I don't think it's a chemical thing or clinical depression. I have a lot to be depressed about right now, some of it self inflicted and some of it just the way things are at the moment. When I'm not under so much stress and my heart isn't broken and my life in turmoil, I'm a pretty happy guy. I'm a pretty happy guy now, believe it or not, but I got a lot of things going on, not many of them good. The only reason I differentiate is because I feel it does a disservice to people that really suffer from depression, and even when their lives are going great they can't enjoy it and are paralyzed by overwhelming despair. My heart goes out to them.
Back to me. The aforementioned problems have me running a gamut of anxiety, self pity, hopelessness, and periods of hating myself. Not a lot of time left over for joy, but the thing is, there are still moments of joy. Everyday, no matter how many times in an hour I feel like I'm being crushed by it all, I can still find it in me to laugh, to take comfort in my friends, to sing a song or help someone else if I can. I still make stupid jokes, I still write my dumb TBT's and my little horoscopes. I don't get angry, I try not to be petty, I still attempt to find the good in everything. It's an effort sometimes, but it's better than the alternative.
No matter what, I will never become some bitter asshole. Okay, I might be an asshole sometimes, but I won't be bitter. There is too much in this world to celebrate, so much more good than bad, and if I'm not experiencing enough of it, that's on me for not trying hard enough. Sometimes when life grinds you down to a halt, it's hard to get moving again. That's when you have to start with baby steps, and build up some momentum, and before you know it you're at full speed again. That's the goal, and I'll get there. We will all get there, we just have to maintain some perspective and tap into that drive and sheer will that has kept the human race pushing onward through wars, famines, epidemics and being plucked off the savanna by giant eagles and sabre tooth cats.
Okay, for whatever reason I'm writing this, I'm done now. It is part pep talk for myself, and part of my ongoing quest to share way too much information about myself in the hopes that it helps you too, if for nothing else to let you know that you're not the only neurotic mess out there breathing the same air and eating too many cupcakes.
We are all unique, but all too similar, so good luck wrestling with your demons, navigating the crappy people in life, and dealing with the stress of everyday living. And if you're reading this, you are my friend, and no matter what I'm going through, I will try to be there for you if you need me. I'm wearing a little thin right now, but I got huge reserves I haven't even tapped into yet, so reach out and talk if you need to.
We're all going to be okay, I know it.
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